New year, new look

It's a new year, ok it's been a new year for almost a month now, but I've decided this is the year for me to work on myself!  I've put myself on the backburner for a while and I'm ready to start feeling better.

As some of you probably know, I've had TMJ/TMD problems for 3 or 4 years.  It comes and goes but has been the worst since I had Ida.  Basically I have headaches, earaches, jaw pain, neck pain, etc.  Before I experienced this condition, I honestly thought people made it up!  Boy was I wrong.

I've gone to a TMJ specialist in Kansas City that I found on Facebook (yes I know, probably not the most credible source but whatever).  He wanted me to spend a ton of money to get my jaw/teeth realigned.  I've been to an ENT.  I've done physical therapy with someone locally and also in Topeka who specializes in headaches.  I've been to countless chiropractors and tried massage therapy.  Most treatments have helped temporarily but nothing has been earth shattering to say the least.

I finally went to an orthodonist in Manhattan who was recommended by my local dentist.  He examined me and decided I need braces.  Basically I have an overbite and some other issues which are causing a misalignment of my bite.  So I got braces yesterday.  They are ceramic and fairly unnoticeable in my opinion.

I went to Tindall Orthodontics in Manhattan.  What an awesome experience!  Everyone is super nice, professional, and efficient.  And they have freshly brewed coffee for you while you wait to be seen.  I can't recommend it enough.  It's been good so far and I'm hoping the braces help relieve some of my problems.

my braces, not that noticeable right!?!

I got my picture taken right after my braces were set

A work in progress

I've been doing a lot of reflection the past few weeks.  The holidays are over, work has slowed down, both kids are sleeping much better, and I just have more time to think about the past year.

This isn't an easy post for me to write.  When I was talking to Maria a few days ago about blogging about my post partum depression she actually said "Lydia, some of your thoughts aren't meant to be written in your blog."  I think her point is valid in some ways but I just wanted to share what I've been going through since Ida has been born in hopes of helping other moms out there.

Maternity leave for me was amazing.  Ida was born May 17 and we had 6 weeks of bliss, I'm really not kidding!  Lorena went to daycare most days and I had all day to spend with Ida.  She wasn't sleeping the best so I was tired most of the time like any new mom.  But after a little bit of coffee, Ida and I had wonderful days together.  We would go shopping in Manhattan, out for lunch in Salina, or just hang out and watch tv at home.  It was actually an awesome bonding time for us.  If you can swing it, I highly recommend sending the toddler to daycare while you are home with a newborn on maternity leave.

I went back to work June 30 right when wheat harvest began.  I didn't mind it much, I like being busy, and I really like my job.  But 2014 was our worst wheat harvest in 25 years which led to more wheat claims than I had ever had.  I also tried to keep up my pattern of traveling to Illinois with the kids to see my family which actually was quite exhausting.  It was a rough summer.

I actually don't know where I started shutting down emotionally and mentally.  I think it was fairly gradual. Farmers are busy in the summer and fall so Dan actually had no idea that I was suffering, he thought everything was ok.  I would smile and he thought everything was just great!  I finally had to explain to him that even though I sometimes appear happy and smiling, that I could just be faking it.  Basically women are weird complicated creatures  The farm comes first, so I just kind of dealt with Dan being gone long hours.  Both kids didn't sleep through the night for months.  Ida would be up at 1, Lorena at 2, Ida at 4, and Lorena at 6 some days.  Somehow in the day to day care of two kids, a farmer husband, and a demanding job, I lost myself.  I remember saying several times in November that "my kids had sucked the life out of me."  I honestly can't believe I said that, but I did.  I was drinking way too much beer at night and way too much coffee during the day.  I just wanted to work all of the time and not be at home.  I didn't want to spend time with my husband or kids.  That's just how it was at that point.

I confided in a few people during that time and I'm forever grateful for them.  I honestly didn't realize I had PPD.  I know it sounds silly, but I thought I was doing great and handling everything just fine.  Hindsight is 20/20.

I know I haven't been a good wife or friend during the past few months.  I didn't return phone calls or emails, I didn't make an effort to hang out with my family here, I honestly didn't have anything to give anybody.  I got so worn down that it affected my health.  I had laryngitis for an entire month and I'm finally almost over it thankfully.  I literally have my voice back now.  I'm also on some medicine to help with my PPD.  I'm exercising again, eating better foods, and drinking a ton of water each day. The best way to describe how I feel is that a heavy fog has been lifted.  I can see again and am starting to feel like old myself.

Like I said, it was really hard for me to write this, but I feel like I needed to.  If you are suffering please talk to your doctor.  You can also talk to me if you need a friend.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise!

Finally an update on the girls!

I started a post 2 months ago with an update on the girls and am just getting back to it today.

The girls are changing so fast these days.  Ida started crawling on her tummy around 6 1/2 months and sitting on her own at about 7 1/2 months.  Somehow in just a few short weeks she can go from crawling, to sitting, to pulling herself up on chairs, and standing up and balancing herself holding on with just one hand.  She has been eating great for the past few months.  She is in 9 month clothes still but will probably be up in the next size within a month.  At her appt in January she was 17 pounds and 9 ounces which put her right around the 50 percentile.  She has been average so far in height and weight.  She is overall a wonderful, smiley baby!

Lorena has changed a lot too in the past few months.  She is still big for her age, probably around 36 pounds.  She is very strong.  She can talk in sentences with 4 to 6 words.  She loves to play with puzzles and books and is especially close to Dan right now, which makes me smile.  She is very stuck in her ways though kind of like Dan too.  She is very particular about her boots, her hats, her pillow, her sippy cup, etc.  Things have to be a certain way for her or it upsets her.  She likes her schedule which is good because I finally feel like we are in a good flow with things at home.  We just started giving Lorena and Ida baths together.  It's so much fun to see them play together.  Lorena can be rough on Ida but Ida is tough and can handle anything her big sister throws at her.

The best thing for Dan and me the past few weeks has been the kids finally sleeping!  There are still nights when one or both wake up, but for the most part they are both sleeping through the night.  They are asleep around 9 and get up around 7 in the morning on a good day.  Ida is sleeping in her crib in my office and Lorena is sleeping in her double bed in her room.  They still have separate rooms for now.  It makes for a much better day for me and Dan when they sleep through the night.  Things are finally slowing down with work for me so we are going to tackle some house projects.  We are going to paint the kitchen/dining room, and get new flooring in about half of the main floor of the house.  I'm pretty excited about it.  Will post before and after pictures as we go.