This isn't an easy post for me to write. When I was talking to Maria a few days ago about blogging about my post partum depression she actually said "Lydia, some of your thoughts aren't meant to be written in your blog." I think her point is valid in some ways but I just wanted to share what I've been going through since Ida has been born in hopes of helping other moms out there.
Maternity leave for me was amazing. Ida was born May 17 and we had 6 weeks of bliss, I'm really not kidding! Lorena went to daycare most days and I had all day to spend with Ida. She wasn't sleeping the best so I was tired most of the time like any new mom. But after a little bit of coffee, Ida and I had wonderful days together. We would go shopping in Manhattan, out for lunch in Salina, or just hang out and watch tv at home. It was actually an awesome bonding time for us. If you can swing it, I highly recommend sending the toddler to daycare while you are home with a newborn on maternity leave.
I went back to work June 30 right when wheat harvest began. I didn't mind it much, I like being busy, and I really like my job. But 2014 was our worst wheat harvest in 25 years which led to more wheat claims than I had ever had. I also tried to keep up my pattern of traveling to Illinois with the kids to see my family which actually was quite exhausting. It was a rough summer.
I actually don't know where I started shutting down emotionally and mentally. I think it was fairly gradual. Farmers are busy in the summer and fall so Dan actually had no idea that I was suffering, he thought everything was ok. I would smile and he thought everything was just great! I finally had to explain to him that even though I sometimes appear happy and smiling, that I could just be faking it. Basically women are weird complicated creatures The farm comes first, so I just kind of dealt with Dan being gone long hours. Both kids didn't sleep through the night for months. Ida would be up at 1, Lorena at 2, Ida at 4, and Lorena at 6 some days. Somehow in the day to day care of two kids, a farmer husband, and a demanding job, I lost myself. I remember saying several times in November that "my kids had sucked the life out of me." I honestly can't believe I said that, but I did. I was drinking way too much beer at night and way too much coffee during the day. I just wanted to work all of the time and not be at home. I didn't want to spend time with my husband or kids. That's just how it was at that point.
I confided in a few people during that time and I'm forever grateful for them. I honestly didn't realize I had PPD. I know it sounds silly, but I thought I was doing great and handling everything just fine. Hindsight is 20/20.
I know I haven't been a good wife or friend during the past few months. I didn't return phone calls or emails, I didn't make an effort to hang out with my family here, I honestly didn't have anything to give anybody. I got so worn down that it affected my health. I had laryngitis for an entire month and I'm finally almost over it thankfully. I literally have my voice back now. I'm also on some medicine to help with my PPD. I'm exercising again, eating better foods, and drinking a ton of water each day. The best way to describe how I feel is that a heavy fog has been lifted. I can see again and am starting to feel like old myself.
Like I said, it was really hard for me to write this, but I feel like I needed to. If you are suffering please talk to your doctor. You can also talk to me if you need a friend. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise!
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