New Year, Same Me

2016 was a hard year for our family.  The death of Dan's parents, plus the miscarriage last summer, along with a new career for me and a farm business transition for the entire family, added up to be one of those years that we will never forget, and probably never want to relive.

Heading into the New Year, I remember saying I was so excited to be starting fresh in 2017.  I was so ready to be done with the previous year!   Somehow it's the middle of January already and the hurt and grief from 2016 are still fresh.  I thought that magically all the pain would go away when the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve, but it didn't.  I still miss Ernie and Cindy tremendously.

Christmas went ok.  Cindy had purchased books last fall for the kids before she passed away, so they got a present from her which was special.  She also had picked out jewelry for Kate, Laura, and me.  Cindy's tradition was to give the girls jewelry in our stockings.  It always made us laugh.  None of us are fancy people and very rarely where showy jewelry, but she always picked out big earrings and long necklaces that she thought "looked like our style."  She purchased our jewelry during one of her last stays at the KU Medical Center Gift Shop in September.

There's just lots I miss right now about Ernie and Cindy.  They were a big part of our support system, watching our kids if we ever needed a date night.  I miss randomly dropping by their house in Barnes.  I miss going to the bakery for coffee and good conversation.  I miss calling Cindy to tell her something good that happened that day and also calling her to complain about something Dan did that reminded me of Ernie.  I miss seeing Ernie pull up to our house on the farm each morning.  I miss texting Ernie pictures of his girl Ida.  I miss seeing the girls play with Grandpa Ernie and Grandma Cindy.  Lorena still talks about them a little, but mostly stating that they are buried up on the mountain and are in Heaven with Jesus.  I miss everything that used to be normal in our lives that seems to be turned upside down at the moment.

Matthew 5:4 reads, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  I know that God will wrap his arms around me if I trust in him.  Not that' I haven't trusted in him...I think I've just pushed all the feelings aside for the time being and joyfully waiting for the New Year to get here so I wouldn't have to deal with them.  It's funny how grief catches up with you, and it has caught up with me finally.