Prayers

At 1:30 am this morning (Feb 7) Dan's mom called us and told us that our niece Savannah Jean had passed away from a brain bleed.  Savannah and her twin Kaleb Ernest were born on February 5.  Dan and I are still in complete disbelief.  We visited Kevin, Laura, Savannah, and Kaleb yesterday.  All the nurses were very positive and the babies were doing great considering that they were born at 26 weeks and roughly 2 pounds each.  That's the thing about preemies and life in general, things can change in an instant.

I didn't want the sun to come up today.  I thought that just maybe if the sun didn't come up, we didn't have to acknowledge Savannah's death.  I woke up early and made some coffee, and then I watched the sunrise.  It was a beautiful sunrise.  I cried as it got light outside because it meant that all of it was true, that it wasn't just a bad dream.  I didn't cry for me.  I cried for Kevin and Laura.  They are the two most deserving, loving, kind parents I know.  The BEST parents.  And for some reason God takes their children away too soon.  It didn't make sense 5 years ago when He took Kaden, and it still doesn't make sense today as He whispered Savannah's name.  I'm asking a lot of "whys" today.  Why can't things be easier for Kevin and Laura?  Why did Lorena make it and not Savannah?  Why does God make good people go through horrible things?

It's hard to be too mad at God today, we still have Kaleb on this Earth. Saw this post on Kevin's Facebook wall early this morning.  I know God is a good and faithful God, that He doesn't make mistakes, and there is a divine plan for each and everyone of us.  I know Kevin and Laura have been a light for so many people.  I just wish it didn't have to be this way.   Please please please take a moment and pray for Kaleb, that he continues to be strong, and continues to grow in the NICU.  Also please pray for strength for Kevin and Laura.    

.https://www.facebook.com/ClarkTwinsSavannahandKaleb

New year, new look

It's a new year, ok it's been a new year for almost a month now, but I've decided this is the year for me to work on myself!  I've put myself on the backburner for a while and I'm ready to start feeling better.

As some of you probably know, I've had TMJ/TMD problems for 3 or 4 years.  It comes and goes but has been the worst since I had Ida.  Basically I have headaches, earaches, jaw pain, neck pain, etc.  Before I experienced this condition, I honestly thought people made it up!  Boy was I wrong.

I've gone to a TMJ specialist in Kansas City that I found on Facebook (yes I know, probably not the most credible source but whatever).  He wanted me to spend a ton of money to get my jaw/teeth realigned.  I've been to an ENT.  I've done physical therapy with someone locally and also in Topeka who specializes in headaches.  I've been to countless chiropractors and tried massage therapy.  Most treatments have helped temporarily but nothing has been earth shattering to say the least.

I finally went to an orthodonist in Manhattan who was recommended by my local dentist.  He examined me and decided I need braces.  Basically I have an overbite and some other issues which are causing a misalignment of my bite.  So I got braces yesterday.  They are ceramic and fairly unnoticeable in my opinion.

I went to Tindall Orthodontics in Manhattan.  What an awesome experience!  Everyone is super nice, professional, and efficient.  And they have freshly brewed coffee for you while you wait to be seen.  I can't recommend it enough.  It's been good so far and I'm hoping the braces help relieve some of my problems.

my braces, not that noticeable right!?!

I got my picture taken right after my braces were set

A work in progress

I've been doing a lot of reflection the past few weeks.  The holidays are over, work has slowed down, both kids are sleeping much better, and I just have more time to think about the past year.

This isn't an easy post for me to write.  When I was talking to Maria a few days ago about blogging about my post partum depression she actually said "Lydia, some of your thoughts aren't meant to be written in your blog."  I think her point is valid in some ways but I just wanted to share what I've been going through since Ida has been born in hopes of helping other moms out there.

Maternity leave for me was amazing.  Ida was born May 17 and we had 6 weeks of bliss, I'm really not kidding!  Lorena went to daycare most days and I had all day to spend with Ida.  She wasn't sleeping the best so I was tired most of the time like any new mom.  But after a little bit of coffee, Ida and I had wonderful days together.  We would go shopping in Manhattan, out for lunch in Salina, or just hang out and watch tv at home.  It was actually an awesome bonding time for us.  If you can swing it, I highly recommend sending the toddler to daycare while you are home with a newborn on maternity leave.

I went back to work June 30 right when wheat harvest began.  I didn't mind it much, I like being busy, and I really like my job.  But 2014 was our worst wheat harvest in 25 years which led to more wheat claims than I had ever had.  I also tried to keep up my pattern of traveling to Illinois with the kids to see my family which actually was quite exhausting.  It was a rough summer.

I actually don't know where I started shutting down emotionally and mentally.  I think it was fairly gradual. Farmers are busy in the summer and fall so Dan actually had no idea that I was suffering, he thought everything was ok.  I would smile and he thought everything was just great!  I finally had to explain to him that even though I sometimes appear happy and smiling, that I could just be faking it.  Basically women are weird complicated creatures  The farm comes first, so I just kind of dealt with Dan being gone long hours.  Both kids didn't sleep through the night for months.  Ida would be up at 1, Lorena at 2, Ida at 4, and Lorena at 6 some days.  Somehow in the day to day care of two kids, a farmer husband, and a demanding job, I lost myself.  I remember saying several times in November that "my kids had sucked the life out of me."  I honestly can't believe I said that, but I did.  I was drinking way too much beer at night and way too much coffee during the day.  I just wanted to work all of the time and not be at home.  I didn't want to spend time with my husband or kids.  That's just how it was at that point.

I confided in a few people during that time and I'm forever grateful for them.  I honestly didn't realize I had PPD.  I know it sounds silly, but I thought I was doing great and handling everything just fine.  Hindsight is 20/20.

I know I haven't been a good wife or friend during the past few months.  I didn't return phone calls or emails, I didn't make an effort to hang out with my family here, I honestly didn't have anything to give anybody.  I got so worn down that it affected my health.  I had laryngitis for an entire month and I'm finally almost over it thankfully.  I literally have my voice back now.  I'm also on some medicine to help with my PPD.  I'm exercising again, eating better foods, and drinking a ton of water each day. The best way to describe how I feel is that a heavy fog has been lifted.  I can see again and am starting to feel like old myself.

Like I said, it was really hard for me to write this, but I feel like I needed to.  If you are suffering please talk to your doctor.  You can also talk to me if you need a friend.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise!

Finally an update on the girls!

I started a post 2 months ago with an update on the girls and am just getting back to it today.

The girls are changing so fast these days.  Ida started crawling on her tummy around 6 1/2 months and sitting on her own at about 7 1/2 months.  Somehow in just a few short weeks she can go from crawling, to sitting, to pulling herself up on chairs, and standing up and balancing herself holding on with just one hand.  She has been eating great for the past few months.  She is in 9 month clothes still but will probably be up in the next size within a month.  At her appt in January she was 17 pounds and 9 ounces which put her right around the 50 percentile.  She has been average so far in height and weight.  She is overall a wonderful, smiley baby!

Lorena has changed a lot too in the past few months.  She is still big for her age, probably around 36 pounds.  She is very strong.  She can talk in sentences with 4 to 6 words.  She loves to play with puzzles and books and is especially close to Dan right now, which makes me smile.  She is very stuck in her ways though kind of like Dan too.  She is very particular about her boots, her hats, her pillow, her sippy cup, etc.  Things have to be a certain way for her or it upsets her.  She likes her schedule which is good because I finally feel like we are in a good flow with things at home.  We just started giving Lorena and Ida baths together.  It's so much fun to see them play together.  Lorena can be rough on Ida but Ida is tough and can handle anything her big sister throws at her.

The best thing for Dan and me the past few weeks has been the kids finally sleeping!  There are still nights when one or both wake up, but for the most part they are both sleeping through the night.  They are asleep around 9 and get up around 7 in the morning on a good day.  Ida is sleeping in her crib in my office and Lorena is sleeping in her double bed in her room.  They still have separate rooms for now.  It makes for a much better day for me and Dan when they sleep through the night.  Things are finally slowing down with work for me so we are going to tackle some house projects.  We are going to paint the kitchen/dining room, and get new flooring in about half of the main floor of the house.  I'm pretty excited about it.  Will post before and after pictures as we go.

Some Very Special News Times Two

 I'm going to be an aunt again!  Dan's sister, Laura, and her husband Kevin are expecting twins.  I do love all of my nieces and nephews but these two babies are going to be extra special to our family.

I can't begin to explain how important Kevin and Laura are to me.  Kevin is the go-to guy for any computer problem, knows how to smoke ribs with the best of them,  and loves his wife Laura to pieces.  Laura has been such a good aunt to my children.  She babysat Lorena for 4 months before she went to daycare and helped babysit both of them this summer while Ida was still very young.  She readily volunteers to watch her sister Kate's 4 kids if Kate needs some help.  Laura has a love for children that I've never seen before.  She was truly happy for me when I found out each time I was pregnant, mourned with me after my miscarriage, and loves Ida and Lorena with such a deep love.

Divorce rates for parents after the death of a child are 8 times higher than the average according to one study.  No marriage is all sunshine and roses, but Kevin and Laura are a perfect example of a marriage that will last through better or worse, good times and bad.  I'm so excited for them to be parents again.  They were such good parents to Kaden and I'm sure he is looking down from heaven smiling.

Please pray for Laura, Kevin, and the health of their two little babies that are due next spring. ~ Lydia
 

October 2014.  Ida, Laura, Lorena, and Kevin

Grain sorghum?!?

Fall is a busy time for us.  Soybeans to harvest, wheat to drill, corn to shell, cows to bring home, and usually last but not least is grain sorghum harvest.  I had a few free hours today so I jumped in the semi truck with Dan and rode along to the field to haul in one of the last loads of grain sorghum for the year.

A honestly didn't know much about grain sorghum (also called milo) until I moved to Kansas.  I knew it was grown in a few placed in extreme southern Illinois and was also a "poor man's crop."  Milo has a whole different meaning for Kansas farmers.  Milo is main crop on many farms here and is utilized every year in our crop rotation.

Fun facts about milo:
1.  Kansas and Texas are the top milo producing states, usually switching rank every few years
2.  Milo's main uses are livestock feed and biofuels
3.  Milo is more drought resistant than corn
4.  Milo is a very hardy and dependable crop, meaning yields are usually more predictable
5.  Milo is usually planted on more marginal ground making it a good option for some fields

Not so fun facts about milo:
1.  I can't explain in words how itchy milo dust is...you just have to trust me on this one.

Milo is usually planted a month or so after corn making it our last crop to harvest.  We are finishing November 6 this year which is a pretty average timing.  We are very pleased with the yields and will continue relying on milo as an important crop in our rotation.

Tractor waiting to dump milo onto semi trailer

Grain cart unloading onto semi trailer

Uncle Phil loading Dan in the semi-trailer

Cousin Jason harvesting with the other combine

This is Milo to the Illinois folks

Kind of pretty, but very itchy

Hubby not smiling because he doesn't like pictures

shot gun rider

Life the past few months

I went back to work 4 months ago on June 30th and life has been complete chaos since then.  I looked back at my last post from June 26th and I had mentioned I would blog the next week about how things were going being back at work.  Yep, that didn't happen.  Here I am 4 months later and finally sitting down to take the time for an update.

Work is always crazy in the summer and this summer was no different.  I had a lot of wheat claims which required paperwork and traveling to meet with farmers.  I really like my job and it definitely has perks (setting my own hours, being able to take off for an appt, taking a day off here and there to head to my parents, and having really supportive co-workers, working with farmers, and the list goes on and on.  It's just when you work from home the work is always there!  My office is also Ida's room.  Therefore, I constantly see the papers piling up and my email inbox overflowing. Things have finally slowed down which I'm very thankful for.  It's just been an overwhelming few months for me and I'm ready for a slow down.

Summers are hectic.  Having a May baby added to the crazy months.  In July I went to my friend Angela's bachelorette party in Illinois.  It was Ida's first trip to Illinois and she and Lorena spent one  night with my parents.  Beginning of August I flew to Nashville for Jennifer's bachelorette party.  It was so nice to get away for a while and Dan's parents really helped with the girls.  In late August we went to Angela's wedding in Wisconsin.  Cindy and Ernie made the trip with us and it was so great to have them there to help.  They are so good to help us when we need it.  I then took the girls to Illinois in middle of September to see my family. We squeezed in a few camping trips to Milford Lake too. Our last wedding of the year was Jennifer's in St Louis.  The girls stayed with Dan's parents so we had a nice little get away by ourselves.

I've heard that it takes 18 months to fully recover from having a baby.  I still don't feel completely like myself. I pumped and supplemented with formula since i only made about 1/3 of Ida's needs.  I just stopped pumping a few days ago.  I finally have more time to just hang out with the kids so I'm really enjoying freedom from being hooked up to that dang pump!  I have been trying to jog 2 or 3 times a week.  I really want to devote more time to myself this fall and exercise on a regular basis.  It's just been a struggle juggling two kids now.  Dan has been helping more around the house and I finally hired someone to come help me clean occasionally.  I have no idea why I waited so long...it's been the best money I've spent.

My goal is to blog once a week so we will see if that happens.  Will do update on girls next post.  Bye for now! :-)

September 2014

October 2014