Bittersweet Days of February

It's been a year since our sweet niece Savannah Jean passed away.  I can't believe it's been that long.  She left all of us that day and got to meet our heavenly Father.  What a joyous occasion for her!  For us here back on Earth, it was a horrible day.  I will always remember that phone call in the middle of the night which told us of her passing.

Our family said lots of prayer a year ago.  We prayed for strength for Kevin and Laura.  We prayed for the doctors and nurses taking care of Kaleb.  Our biggest prayer was for God to keep Kaleb alive and here on Earth with us.  It was very selfish for all of us, but I just didn't know how we could all go on if God took Kaleb away from us too.  Kaleb persevered.  He got out of the NICU in May but returned to the hospital for a while in June, but got to spend the rest of the summer at home.  He has grown so big and strong.  He is doing amazing.  He is crawling, trying to pull up on the couch, and even got to try ice cream on his 1st birthday a few days ago.

Kaleb and Savannah were born almost 14 weeks premature.  Our family has dealt with prematurity and NICU stays in the past, but Kaleb and Savannahs's situation was much different.  Savannah's passing shook all of us to the core.  We are all so thankful for Kaleb and the prayers that everyone said for our family this past year.

I still have a hard time thinking about Kaleb without thinking about Savannah.  I know what it's like to be a twin.  Your soul mate, best friend, and constant companion is always there by your side.  I'm sad that Kaleb can't experience what I have with my twin sister Maria.  I'm sad that I couldn't give them the twin outfits I bought for them.  I'm sad that Laura and Kevin don't have Kaden, Savannah, and Kaleb all together under one roof.  I can definitely say I'm doing better than I was at this point last year, but their first birthday on Feb 5 brought some bittersweet thoughts I wanted to share.

Blessings ~ Lydia

Kaleb and angel Savannah Feb 2015

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Kaleb January 2016

How a snow day can steal your Joy

Yesterday we woke up to 8 inches of fresh white snow.  It was a beautiful sight to see.  The kids were very excited to look outside as this was our first big snow of the year.

I started my day by selfishly thinking, "I must get pictures of the kids playing in the snow so I can post them on Facebook."  Say what?  I was all consumed with how I would get pictures of them most of the day. When my husband came in for lunch, I came out of my office and asked him how we would accomplish this feat.  He would rather have eaten his sandwich in peace then listen to me ramble about how we would create the perfect sledding experience for our kids that day.  We had a few small problems though:

1.  No snow gear
2.  No sleds
3.  No kids - daycare was still open
4.  No parents - Dan was busy moving snow, checking cows, and working in his machine shop and I was working on my computer
5.  No daylight - we usually get home with the kids about 6 PM, right when it gets dark here

So I was stuck, how could I get the perfect sledding picture of the girls?  Don't get me wrong, I love seeing all the fun snow pictures with all of the kids!  I just realized my motivation for taking the girls sledding was to get good pictures to post on social media.  My motivation should be to have fun with the girls and not try to create the "perfect picture" of what life is like for us.

I think a lot of us fall into the trap of creating perfect experiences for our kids.  My obsession with taking the perfect picture yesterday stole some of my joy.  Would I be a bad mom if I didn't get pictures of them making snow angels?  Would the girls feel left out if I didn't take them sledding?  Ida (20 months) and Lorena (3 1/2 years) could care less if we went sledding down the biggest hill in the county.  They had just as much kicking the snow, chasing their dog Jasper, and throwing snowballs at their Daddy in the moonlight when they got home from daycare.

I want to do what is best for Lorena and Ida.  Yes, I will probably go buy some sleds today and round up some snow pants.  We do have big plans to go sledding at the farm South of Barnes, KS this weekend.  I will probably take tons of pictures too.  But this time, I will make sure we go sledding so we can have fun as a family, not so Mommy can get good Facebook pictures.

On another note, I did get a good picture of our cows after I dropped the kids off at daycare.  It truly was a beautiful day.  Blessings ~ Lydia

 

"I want to be Like Mommy when I grow up"

This morning was similar to most mornings around our house.  It was a kind of hurry, let's get the kids dressed, and out the door to daycare kind of day.  Lorena has developed into quite a little diva.  In the NICU, they had nicknamed her "little diva" and she is living up to her name.


Her hair is always a terrible mess in the morning.  She has fine hair like I do and it tends to get super tangled when she sleeps.  She cried the whole time Dan brushed her hair.  Then I put it in a pony tail which was ok for a while, but then I had the wrong barrette, which happened to be placed on the wrong side of her head.  Tears ensued.  Dan planned on stopping to get a donut at the convenience store in town on the way to daycare and proceeded to tell Lorena she could have a donut.  She started crying because she wanted M&Ms, not donuts.  I explained that you can like donuts and M&Ms in life, you don't necessarily have to choose one or the other.  Then as I'm putting her in Dan's truck, she shrugs her shoulders and starts crying again.  "There isn't any snow!." "All the snow is gone."  "But snow is my favorite."  I told her that maybe we could get snow this weekend and that seemed to calm her down.


Lorena also said something that made my heart smile today.  When I was helping her put on her favorite coat she was crying again because "she wanted a coat like Mommy's coat so she could be like Mommy when she grows up."


Lorena is a very strong and sensitive little girl.  This is the first winter we haven't had to deal with asthma related issues and chronic coughs due to her prematurity.  She just might be growing up. 

January again?

Yay for a New Year!  I'm looking forward to 2016...I think it will be an exciting year.  I don't like the blahs of January and February though.  These dreary months of Winter always brings back a sad mixture of emotions for our family.  I will always treasure this picture from our wedding in 2009.  In hind sight, life was pretty easy back then and Dan and I hadn't really been through much at all.

Our family has grown so much since our wedding but we have experienced loss too.  Kate and Jeremy have had two more girls (Abi and Lily), Kevin and Laura have a miracle little boy Kaleb but heaven gained Kaden in January of 2010 and precious baby Savannah in February of 2015.  Dan and I have had two little girls since then too.  Our family has so much to be grateful for.  It's not that I'm trying to bring myself down, it's just hard not to think about Kaden and Savannah this time of year.  

Dan called me a few minutes ago.  He was driving the excavator across the field which is a rather monotonous task and was bored, so I guess his best option was to call his wife and chat.  We were talking about this year and what it would bring.  He made the comment, "I guess God knows what he is doing and prepares us along the way for what's to come"  It's reassuring to have a God fearing husband with good insight!  It's hard after some of the things our family has been through, to see why God does what he does.  It is painful, lots of tears have been shed, lots of why us?  And after dealing with my gluten/dairy issue and feeling sick for so long, I honestly feel a bit sorry for myself a few days and wonder "why me?"  (I know I will get better over time, it's just human nature to want immediate results)  

I guess it's ok to wonder why.  But it's also important to remember that everything in life that happens to us (good and bad) is preparing us for the future.  God doesn't make mistakes.  

Just some deep thoughts on this dreary January morning. ~ Lydia

Never Enough Time

There's never enough time when we come home to visit my family in Illinois...no matter how many days we spend there.  We are headed back now since they put a big snow storm into the forecast for kansas.  We should get 6-8 inches starting early Monday morning with lots of wind and cold.  Dan wants to get back to help take care of the cattle.  I'm actually somewhat ready to get back and unpack/organize all of our Christmas gifts.  We did get to visit with some of our favorite people...mom, dad, aunt Becky and uncle Danny, Maria, Addie and Michael and the boys, Nancy, Jesse and Jose and their kids, Laurel and Doug, and Mary Frances.  We just missed seeing the rest of the Edwards family and my good friend Zach and numerous other friends and family. And my bestest friend Angela who lives in Wisconsin was not able to make it back to Illinois to visit her family either due to snow. Like I said, there is never enough time no matter how long we stay.  It was a good trip.  I think it's just easy to fantasize about being "home for the holidays" when you don't live where you grew up.  Nothing is ever the same, everything changes.  It's not bad or good, just different, which is ok.  I think it's important to live in the moment and not compare our holidays to pictures on Facebook.  The Yukon is full of toys and gifts...we took in a wonderful mass at St. John's on Christmas Eve...and the girls had lots of fun.  Also reminds me of a quote my dad loves in Lonesome Dove when Lorie is yearning for life in California.  "Lorie darlin', life in San Francisco, you see, is still just life. If you want any one thing too badly, it's likely to turn out to be a disappointment. The only healthy way to live life is to learn to like all the little everyday things, like a sip of good whiskey in the evening, a soft bed, a glass of buttermilk, or a feisty gentleman like myself."  I also love this quote.  It's always good to visit and look forward to trips but it's more important to enjoy the little everyday things in life.

~ Lydia 

My new quilt

Dan's Grandma Norma pieced together a quilt for me made of my t-shirts from college and grad school. Her friend Shelley finished it by quilting it using the meandering style. I love it!  I can't help but smile and laugh at the memories held in each t-shirt.                 

 Some of my favorite moments:                    

Studying Agriculture Economics at Illinois was an amazing experience.  I will never forgot how proud dad and mom were of me (and my twin sis Maris too) when we got into the university.

Sigma Alpha was a huge part of my college experience.  I met some of my best friends through this organization and gained valuable leadership skills.  I was in charge of recruitment the year we made these t shirts.  Wow - 10 years ago 

What a memorable trip!  Maria, Jennifer , Julie, and I road tripped in the Tahoe to Buffalo, New York to accept an award at our sorority's National Convention.  "Buffalo or bust". We saw Niagra Falls and came home through Canada. 

Senior year I went on a 2 week study tour to Argentina.  It is still hands down the best trip I've ever been on. It didn't get off to the best start, as our plane was delayed and we were stranded in South Beach Florida for a day/night without our luggage.  That city was an eye opener for us farm kids from Illinois.  I hope I can go back to Argentina someday as it was an amazing experience (once we made it out of South Beach).

Long live the Chief!  

Broomball champs!  I think all the other sorority girls were scared of us corn fed farm girls. We knew how to play hard on the ice.

One of the best decisions I made was to go back to grad school.  Graduate school was definitely a lot of work but I'm very blessed to have worked at such a prestigious agriculture school like Purdue.                                  Thanks again Grandma Norma and Shelley!

Gluten Free Pony Shoes

I miss "home" sometimes on Sundays so I decided to make horse shoes for lunch. Illinois is famous for horse shoes and I made a gluten free version.  Usually Texas toast is the bottom layer but we just ate them without bread.  Definitely not too healthy but very good.

 Gluten free flour    

 Yummy cheese sauce 

 Gluten free steak fries - some seasonings on frozen fries have gluten, so have to be careful here too!

 

 Hiesterman ground beef - a staple in our house 

Finished product with some ketchup