A day for cupcakes, tears, and hugs...

I found out this morning that I had a miscarriage.  I went in for an ultrasound today and the baby had no heartbeat.  I heard the heartbeat two weeks ago which was very reassuring to hear it so early in the pregnancy, so I had  assumed that everything would be ok at this appointment.  But it wasn't.  The baby had died.


I was about 8 1/2 weeks pregnant this morning and it's weird to think I'm not pregnant anymore.  I'm having a D and C tomorrow to help move the process along.  It's been an emotional ride for a few months with this pregnancy.  We have to go to 2 1/2 hours away to Omaha for fertility treatments to get pregnant.  Things had worked surprisingly well with no complications.  But now I feel like all the fertility treatments, special medicine, painful shots, thousands of miles on the Yukon, time away from family and work, have just been a big waste of time and money.


Dan has been comforting.  He always worries about my emotions.  I'm a rather sensitive person and I feel the good things and bad things in life so deeply.  It's just the way God made me.  It sounds kind of romantic to be so sensitive to feelings, but during times like this I wish I could turn that volume down on that part of my personality. 


Lots of thoughts are going through my head today.  Did I drink too much caffeine?  Did I not drink enough water?  Was it the flight I look to Minneapolis a few weeks ago?  Did I work too hard in the garden?  Did I complain too much about being tired this time around?  Am I being punished for some of my sins?  Was I trying to do too much at once with starting a new career?  Was it too soon to try after all our family has been through this year?  I know in reality it's nothing I did but I just feel rather hopeless right now.  I know it will pass and I will find some hope again but today is not the day.  Today I'm going to eat some chocolate cupcakes, cry some tears, and hug Lorena and Ida Mae when they get home from daycare.


~Lydia~

Finding Peace

I took this picture today as we watched Dan bale the alfalfa hay in the bottom.  Ernie's grave sits high up on the hill.  I found peace there today.  I stay busy with work and Lorena and Ida, which are nice distractions from the pain of our loss.  The grief eventually catches up to you if you don't acknowledge it.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't been to the grave since we buried him 3 months ago.  It's just too hard for me to go there, but I'm realizing that I need to let myself "go there" emotionally and physically. 


Dan's been handling life and what's been thrown at him pretty well the past 3 months, but this alfalfa situation has been causing him some anxiety!  It's been a cool and wet spring.  It rains every other day, the forecast is constantly changing, and the windows to cut, rake, and bale the alfalfa are pretty small. 


Today he was determined to get his Dad's hay raked and baled.  Dan's mom Cindy, the girls, and I brought him lunch and checked on his progress.  Even though rain clouds were moving our way, he was baling when we got there early this afternoon.


Dan has put a lot of pressure on himself to do well this year.  He wants his dad to be proud of him.  I know Ernie would fine peace in seeing his son finish baling the first crop of alfalfa for the year.  Hopefully Dan finds peace when the last hay bale is placed in the shed before the rain comes tonight.


~Lydia~

Why I'm thankful this Mother's Day

I had a non-traditional Mother's Day yesterday.  Dan and the girls dropped me off at the airport in Lincoln to catch an airplane to Minneapolis.  I'm in Minnesota until Friday afternoon for new employee training.  The hotel is gorgeous and directly connected with a walkway to the Thrivent Financial Building.  It's been a good experience so far.


So I spent mother's day away from the girls...and I'm ok with it.  I enjoy having a career.  I enjoy being a Mom to my girls.  I did hate it as they drove away and left me standing on the curb yesterday at the airport, but I knew they were in good hands.  Dan sent me a wonderful picture of the girls last night.  They were happily riding in the Scout looking for cows.

I'm very thankful for my husband this Mother's Day.  Without his support, I wouldn't be sitting here in Minneapolis tonight.  The first 7 years of our marriage were spent on sustaining and building our farm.  I've always worked full time off the farm but needed a change of pace.  While I continue to be passionate about our farm, it's been really exciting to pursue a new career in the middle of all the craziness.  It's reassuring and comforting to have a husband like Dan.  We've had bumps along the way, but we are still here supporting each other.  He has always believed in me and my potential, and encourages me to pursue my dreams.  I'm very thankful Lorena and Ida have a dad like Dan this Mother's Day. ~ Lydia