Taking Risks

Like all of us, my father in law Ernie had many sides to his personality.  I've heard many memorable stories shared about him since his death two months ago.  He was a risk taker.  One of my favorite stories of him is from when he was a young man.  Ernie had a 1966 Pontiac Le Mans.  The cops tried to pull him over on a dirt road one night but he managed to outrun them in that car.  By flipping a special switch on his dashboard, the taillights would go dark on the back of the car.  He could leave the cops in the dust since they couldn't track his taillights.  Ernie also had a cautious side.  He wasn't the most comfortable person in social situations.  You would never seem him at the coffee shop with local farmers, shopping at the grocery store, or out and about at farm auctions very often.  He would rather be outside driving the tractor and keeping to himself.  


It's good to take some risks.  I'm a person that takes risks, but these must be calculated risks.  I don't like heights, driving really fast, or not being near a basement during a thunderstorm.  When it comes to big decisions, I usually have to write lists of pros and cons, talk to dozens of people about the decision, and pray about it.  I'm so glad I took the risk to switch jobs a few months ago and work for Thrivent Financial.  In the midst of mourning Ernie's death, I had to focus on studying for my financial exams.  It was hard but I never doubted my decision.  I've always been a fan of learning and enjoyed college and graduate school, so studying for these exams has been right up my alley. 


Life is so short.  Dan and I feel like Ernie was taken too soon.  But is there ever a time that would have made losing him easier?  He probably took some risks that I wouldn't have (like trying to outrun the police), but he lived a life without regret.  Ernie lived a good life.

Why life seems harder now

I know it's part of the process, but things seem harder now emotionally for some of us.  It's been almost 2 months since Ernie passed away but the wound still feels very fresh.

I think life is harder now because the initial shock has gone away.  We are slowly coming up to breathe.  Now that we are breathing again, we are able to assess the situation that is our new reality.  The realization of our new normal is sometimes too hard to bear.  At times it's easier to not let my mind "go there."  It's much easier to focus on studying for my exams, Lorena and Ida's activities, and complaining about Dan not having my container garden built yet.  But when the girls have fallen asleep and the living room is quiet, my mind goes to a place that is rather painful.

 

I feel bad for our situation and I wish it wasn't our reality.  As Cindy reminded us yesterday, she isn't the first wife to lose her husband.  Our family has had many challenges, but we aren't the first family to experience tragedy.  I know God is with us through the process.  I trust in Him that He knows what He is doing.

                                                  

Mom, you are right

My sisters and I grew up on a grain and livestock farm in west-central Illinois.  My Dad farmed full time and Mom helped where she could with errands and meals, but most of the time Mom took care of the childcare duties.  Farming was fairly flexible during the year so Dad and Mom made it to most of our recitals, basketball games, and school banquets.  But I know Dad spent a lot of time working, especially when we were younger, and Mom picked up the slack on the home front.  I remember sitting our lawn chairs in the driveway during the evenings in the fall, waiting for the combine lights to come down the road.  Mom spent lots of evenings with us kids, waiting for Dad to get home from the field. 


I often struggle with being a Farm wife.  I feel like my Mom, as well as the women in Dan's family, make it look easy.  I still get upset when he works late sometimes.  I understand that it's a necessity during certain times of the year, but it's still hard on me nonetheless.  It's been difficult for me not having Ernie (my father-in-law) here.  I am by myself more at night and on the weekends, taking care of the kids after working during the day.  I have to give them baths by myself, do all the laundry, all of the cleaning and cooking, and other household things that need to be done.  It's hard on me, and I've been wallowing in the fact that it's harder on ME now.


My Mom listened to me today on the phone as I was complaining to her and said "I'm just not going to ask Dan to do anything else anymore!"  Then Mom said in her kind voice, "Lydia, you have to remember what Dan went through.  He's been through a lot and you need to think about him."


Mom you are right, I've been thinking about me a lot recently and not so much about Dan.  He's been through a traumatic situation, and is coping with it by working more hours, and keeping very busy on the farm.  He does help with some things around the house but I fail to notice these things because I'm usually mad at him when he gets home from working!  He appears ok on the outside but I know deep down he is still hurting.  Thanks Mom for reminding me to put others first, like you have done your whole life.  ~ Lydia

Since many of you have asked...

I passed my Series 7 Exam on Friday! 

I started studying at the end of January for the exam.  Usually it takes about a month to study for it.  I had to move back my exam date after Ernie's accident and ended up taking a 2 week break from studying.  It was hard for me to get back into the routine of studying.  I would much rather do repetitive tasks like cooking, cleaning, or organizing the closet.  I think that's why Dan's favorite thing to do now is to go drive the tractor or feed his Dad's cows.  It seems like the menial (but still important) chores are just easier to get done.  Dan has been commenting a lot recently that the house has never been this clean.

After passing the exam Friday, it was nice to take a few days off for the Easter weekend.  We made it through Easter.  It was different without Ernie as expected.  The girls ate way too much candy.  They have been bouncing off the walls for a few days.  I hid it last night after they went to bed, so hopefully they will forget about candy for a while.

I'm very thankful for all of our friends and family.  I'm also very thankful for my new career.  After passing the 7, I now begin studying for the Series 66 Exam and will test in late April.  I'm two-thirds through the process of licensing to become a Registered Representative with Thrivent Financial.  Thanks for the continued support and prayers. ~ Lydia

How are you "really" doing?

I've been asked the question "How are you doing?" a lot this week.  Most of the time people use this phrase as a greeting, perhaps in replace of the word "Hi", and most of the time want a response of "Great!, or "Doing just fine!."  Since Ernie's death though, a lot of people are wondering about our family and asking me "How are you really doing?," I can hear it in their voices that they really want to know how we are all doing.  It's comforting to know that people still care about our family.  In summary, we are doing ok but here on some details:

1.  Dan is trying to fill his dad's shoes in every way possible, but is realizing that he must delegate responsibility and work with his uncles and cousins to get the farm work done.
2.  I need to practice patience with my husband and kids.
2.  Lorena periodically talks about Grandpa Ernie being in heaven with Jesus and that his body is up on the big hill at the farm.
3.  Ida is oblivious to it all but ornery as ever!
4.  We are trying to establish a new normal.
5.  I have a new job!  I'm working with Thrivent Financial in the trainee program.  After I get the required licenses, I will be a Financial Representative with Thrivent.
6.  I'm taking the Series 7 Exam General Securities Exam on Friday.  Prayers are appreciated for an awesome test score.
7.  Dan's trucks have all practically died.  He and his dad both have an obsession with keeping lots of trucks scattered around and never selling anything that still runs.  3 of Dan's trucks have issues now, as well as do 2 of Ernie's trucks, so he's down to Ernie's little black S10 with 250,000+ miles.  The transmission has been going out of it for years but it's currently the only thing that Dan wants to drive.
8.   I just watched my first episode of "I am Cait."  It's nice to get lost in reality television.  If you know this show and what it's about, please don't judge me.
9.  I don't feel ready for Easter.
10.  Some days I still can't believe Ernie is gone.

I have been holding some feelings in for a while, and that's not good for me.  I have to talk about what's going on and part of my therapy (besides buying way too many Easter dresses for the girls) is blogging.  That's all for now!  ~ Lydia

3.5 Amazing Years in the Life of Lorena Ruth

Tonight we are going to our first live show at a theater.  Peppa Pig is Lorena's favorite tv show and it seems fitting to see "Peppa Pig's Big Splash" when it came to Central Kansas.  Peppa Pig is an animated British tv show for preschoolers, with the main characters being Peppa and her Mummy, Daddy, and brother George.  It's a big surprise for Lorena.  We think she's going to freak out when she sees the show!  My mom and dad bought the tickets for us 6 months ago so we've really been looking forward to it.

Besides Peppa Pig, Lorena loves TV in general.  She's a lot like Dan in that way.  Once I turn the TV off to get her attention, it still takes her 5 seconds to figure out the TV is off because she gets so focused on what she's watching.  She also loves to play outside and ride her tricycle.  She enjoys coloring and wearing fake tattoos.  She's a big fan of chocolate, peanut butter sandwiches, and green beans right now.  She loves Sunday School and can't wait to go to pre-school and have her own backpack.  In true Lorena style, she's off the charts for weight (50 pounds) and height (almost 3 1/2 feet tall) for her age.  She didn't stay small for long.  

Lorena's come so far in her short years on earth.  We had no idea what the future held for our baby girl when she was born 12 weeks premature at 2 1/2 pounds.  Would she survive?  Would she have lifelong disabilities?  Would she be able to come home?  She turned out like God intended her to be. God doesn't make mistakes.  Lorena is now a rambunctious 3 1/2 year old.  She's super sweet, pretty emotional at times, and has a big heart already.  The world's a brighter place with Lorena Ruth in it.

Lorena at 1 day old

Lorena at 3 months old

Lorena at 3 1/2 years old

Ernie's Last Fence

I had a good laugh with Dan recently about all of the equipment his dad had been buying the past few years. Farming was getting so fun for Ernie.  He had upgraded tractors, bought a little bull dozer, and purchased an excavator this past summer.  Nothing extravagant (remember, the Hiestermans are good conservative Lutherans!) but just some reasonably priced used equipment to get the job done.  That excavator had been a such a joy for Dan and Ernie this past winter. The weather had been unseasonably warm and the guys had been working on dirt work and fence projects the entire winter.

It was sunny and 75 yesterday and I missed Ernie.  I wished he was here helping Dan, Phil, John, Luke, and Jason with more projects.  I know he's in a better place but I just wish he was still here with us.  Dan tells me that Ernie made farming fun and that things are different now.  I know that someday the guys will have fun farming again but for now we all still grieve.

I shed some tears yesterday on my walk down the dirt road that heads west of our house.  Ernie's excavator sits parked like a statue in the pasture next to the new fence the guys built this winter.  I'm sure the guys will start another project at some point but for now they are busying themselves with mundane chores. 

I enjoy seeing Ernie everywhere on the farm.  He is still with us in spirit. From the new baby calves born everyday, to hearing him in Dan's voice and seeing him in his brothers' mannerisms, and finally in treasuring his handiwork in the last fence he built.

Ernie's last fence project west of our house