2016: the year the air conditioner died

2016 has been a big year.  We lost Dan's dad in February, an unborn baby from an early miscarriage in June, and just recently our air conditioner in July.


Dan and I bought his parents house in 2009 (the summer we were married).  Before they moved out, the four of us spent a few months living together that summer.  Ernie and Cindy lived upstairs, Dan lived in the basement, and I came to visit most weekends.  We got to spend a lot of time together and learned a lot about each other that summer.  I learned that we ate beef most nights, that Ernie was probably the hardest working man I'd ever met, and that Cindy was the communicator in the family.  I learned that we drive red tractors, keep our fences mended, and don't mow the yard nearly enough.  I also learned that Ernie could fix anything.


One night that summer the four of us were eating dinner and the outside unit started rumbling, hot air blowing freely from the vents inside the house.  Ernie and Dan went outside to check things out.  Ernie stared at it, and used a screw driver to tap on the fan, and it miraculously started working perfectly.  Ernie did this a few times each summer for the remainder of his life.  There wasn't much he couldn't fix.  Even though he had moved on to a different house, he still made time to come check on his old air conditioner.


So when the air conditioner made a knocking noise and smoke started billowing from the outside unit a few weeks ago, tears welled up in my eyes.  I really wish Ernie was here to see it.  He would have probably agreed it was time for a new one (it was 40 years old after all) but I'm sure he would have been proud that he kept it running so long.


It's weird that the stupid air conditioner brought up so many memories for me.  I know it's part of the grief process.  It's the little things that Ernie brought to our family that I miss the most.  I know he's in a better place but I just miss him right now.  ~ Lydia

Not a Rose Garden, but still Pretty Good.

I'm really enjoying my latest adventure which is participating in a Bible Study/Women's Leadership course.  Our lesson today was making decisions.  It really hit home.

Each of us makes hundreds of decisions everyday.  From the clothes we wear, to the food we eat, to the route we take on the way to work.  Life is full of decisions.  I've made some big decisions this past year that have greatly affected my life, family, time, and energy.  This lesson pointed out that we must learn to put God first in making difficult decisions.  We must learn to trust God as we head down His path for us, even years or decades after we make the decision.

The "trusting God down His path for me" has been hard recently.  I was very shaken by the miscarriage a few weeks ago, which eventually brought up some feelings I had tucked away from my father in law's fatal farm accident this spring.  Sometimes I expect that life should be easier.  I think to myself, "I did what God told me to do, so things should be great." No, not so much.  Just because we are doing what God intended for our lives, doesn't necessarily make life like a rose garden.

What is important is how we deal with what comes our way.  I have a good husband, two beautiful blonde haired girls, some cows to call my own, and I'm blessed to be able to build a business with a successful faith based company.  Life really isn't that bad, is it?  How we cope with the tough stuff and rejoice when good things happen in life, is what truly builds our character.  I'm trying to put God first in my decision making and trusting in the path that He leads me, even though it might be a tad bit harder than I thought it would be.

~Lydia~

Being Afraid

Kids have a tendency to be fearless and unafraid.  Lorena, my almost 4 year old, though has started to realize that there are certain things that scare her.  She doesn't like huge crowds and new places until she's warmed up to her surroundings.  She had her first Bitty Ball game last week and she wanted me to help her bat and run the bases (which I did).  After helping her the first time, she was able to do it on her own though and had a great time.  She is also scared of monsters and the big bad wolf.  My two year old Ida is still fearless of almost everything though, which is partly due to her young age.  Two year olds are never afraid.


It's kind of interesting that as adults we get into a habit of not doing things outside of our comfort zone, steering clear of things that make us feel afraid.  I'm currently afraid of a lot of things.  I'm afraid of success at my new job.  If I succeed this year, how will I replicate my success next year?  I'm afraid of failure too though and not meeting the goals I have made for myself.  I'm also afraid of not being a good enough Mom to my girls.  Will I miss out on things in their lives that I will regret in the future?  The list goes on and on.


So how do I get through my fears and get on with life?  I'm learning that I need to be more like Lorena and Ida.  I can be like Ida and be fearless in any situation.  If I do sense some fear, I will be like Lorena and ask for some help and then do what I'm scared to do.  I think it's that simple.  Each time you push through the fear, you gain confidence and it becomes easier to do the next time.  Eventually I won't be scared anymore.


Blessings for a good day, Lydia

Choosing Happiness and Joy

It's been an up and down ride emotionally and physically for me since Tuesday. 

But today was a good day.  Today was a special day.  We celebrated our nephew Kaleb's first birthday.  Technically he's 16 months old but his Mom and Dad wanted to wait to have his big party until cold and flu season ended.  So today was the day!

I've been doing a lot of reflection recently.  I thought about Kevin and Laura as we drove to their house for the party today.  This party is a big deal for them.  They haven't had a first birthday party for a child for over 10 years.  Kaden left us 6 years ago when he was 4, and Savannah left us last year shortly after her birth. 

I'm so proud of Kevin and Laura for staying strong for Kaleb.  Not every day is easy for them either, but they choose happiness and joy today for Kaleb's birthday celebration.  It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself.  I think it's natural for us as humans, as we all are selfish beings.  I'm not trying to downplay my miscarriage and the heartache I continually feel, but I think it's good to not dwell in that dark place.  I've been in that dark place since Tuesday but I wanted today to be good.  Even though part of my heart is still aching, I intentionally chose happiness and joy today.  I don't know what tomorrow will be like for me but I know there are better days ahead. 

~Lydia~

Happy 16 Months Kaleb Ernest!

A day for cupcakes, tears, and hugs...

I found out this morning that I had a miscarriage.  I went in for an ultrasound today and the baby had no heartbeat.  I heard the heartbeat two weeks ago which was very reassuring to hear it so early in the pregnancy, so I had  assumed that everything would be ok at this appointment.  But it wasn't.  The baby had died.


I was about 8 1/2 weeks pregnant this morning and it's weird to think I'm not pregnant anymore.  I'm having a D and C tomorrow to help move the process along.  It's been an emotional ride for a few months with this pregnancy.  We have to go to 2 1/2 hours away to Omaha for fertility treatments to get pregnant.  Things had worked surprisingly well with no complications.  But now I feel like all the fertility treatments, special medicine, painful shots, thousands of miles on the Yukon, time away from family and work, have just been a big waste of time and money.


Dan has been comforting.  He always worries about my emotions.  I'm a rather sensitive person and I feel the good things and bad things in life so deeply.  It's just the way God made me.  It sounds kind of romantic to be so sensitive to feelings, but during times like this I wish I could turn that volume down on that part of my personality. 


Lots of thoughts are going through my head today.  Did I drink too much caffeine?  Did I not drink enough water?  Was it the flight I look to Minneapolis a few weeks ago?  Did I work too hard in the garden?  Did I complain too much about being tired this time around?  Am I being punished for some of my sins?  Was I trying to do too much at once with starting a new career?  Was it too soon to try after all our family has been through this year?  I know in reality it's nothing I did but I just feel rather hopeless right now.  I know it will pass and I will find some hope again but today is not the day.  Today I'm going to eat some chocolate cupcakes, cry some tears, and hug Lorena and Ida Mae when they get home from daycare.


~Lydia~

Finding Peace

I took this picture today as we watched Dan bale the alfalfa hay in the bottom.  Ernie's grave sits high up on the hill.  I found peace there today.  I stay busy with work and Lorena and Ida, which are nice distractions from the pain of our loss.  The grief eventually catches up to you if you don't acknowledge it.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't been to the grave since we buried him 3 months ago.  It's just too hard for me to go there, but I'm realizing that I need to let myself "go there" emotionally and physically. 


Dan's been handling life and what's been thrown at him pretty well the past 3 months, but this alfalfa situation has been causing him some anxiety!  It's been a cool and wet spring.  It rains every other day, the forecast is constantly changing, and the windows to cut, rake, and bale the alfalfa are pretty small. 


Today he was determined to get his Dad's hay raked and baled.  Dan's mom Cindy, the girls, and I brought him lunch and checked on his progress.  Even though rain clouds were moving our way, he was baling when we got there early this afternoon.


Dan has put a lot of pressure on himself to do well this year.  He wants his dad to be proud of him.  I know Ernie would fine peace in seeing his son finish baling the first crop of alfalfa for the year.  Hopefully Dan finds peace when the last hay bale is placed in the shed before the rain comes tonight.


~Lydia~

Why I'm thankful this Mother's Day

I had a non-traditional Mother's Day yesterday.  Dan and the girls dropped me off at the airport in Lincoln to catch an airplane to Minneapolis.  I'm in Minnesota until Friday afternoon for new employee training.  The hotel is gorgeous and directly connected with a walkway to the Thrivent Financial Building.  It's been a good experience so far.


So I spent mother's day away from the girls...and I'm ok with it.  I enjoy having a career.  I enjoy being a Mom to my girls.  I did hate it as they drove away and left me standing on the curb yesterday at the airport, but I knew they were in good hands.  Dan sent me a wonderful picture of the girls last night.  They were happily riding in the Scout looking for cows.

I'm very thankful for my husband this Mother's Day.  Without his support, I wouldn't be sitting here in Minneapolis tonight.  The first 7 years of our marriage were spent on sustaining and building our farm.  I've always worked full time off the farm but needed a change of pace.  While I continue to be passionate about our farm, it's been really exciting to pursue a new career in the middle of all the craziness.  It's reassuring and comforting to have a husband like Dan.  We've had bumps along the way, but we are still here supporting each other.  He has always believed in me and my potential, and encourages me to pursue my dreams.  I'm very thankful Lorena and Ida have a dad like Dan this Mother's Day. ~ Lydia