A day for cupcakes, tears, and hugs...

I found out this morning that I had a miscarriage.  I went in for an ultrasound today and the baby had no heartbeat.  I heard the heartbeat two weeks ago which was very reassuring to hear it so early in the pregnancy, so I had  assumed that everything would be ok at this appointment.  But it wasn't.  The baby had died.


I was about 8 1/2 weeks pregnant this morning and it's weird to think I'm not pregnant anymore.  I'm having a D and C tomorrow to help move the process along.  It's been an emotional ride for a few months with this pregnancy.  We have to go to 2 1/2 hours away to Omaha for fertility treatments to get pregnant.  Things had worked surprisingly well with no complications.  But now I feel like all the fertility treatments, special medicine, painful shots, thousands of miles on the Yukon, time away from family and work, have just been a big waste of time and money.


Dan has been comforting.  He always worries about my emotions.  I'm a rather sensitive person and I feel the good things and bad things in life so deeply.  It's just the way God made me.  It sounds kind of romantic to be so sensitive to feelings, but during times like this I wish I could turn that volume down on that part of my personality. 


Lots of thoughts are going through my head today.  Did I drink too much caffeine?  Did I not drink enough water?  Was it the flight I look to Minneapolis a few weeks ago?  Did I work too hard in the garden?  Did I complain too much about being tired this time around?  Am I being punished for some of my sins?  Was I trying to do too much at once with starting a new career?  Was it too soon to try after all our family has been through this year?  I know in reality it's nothing I did but I just feel rather hopeless right now.  I know it will pass and I will find some hope again but today is not the day.  Today I'm going to eat some chocolate cupcakes, cry some tears, and hug Lorena and Ida Mae when they get home from daycare.


~Lydia~

Finding Peace

I took this picture today as we watched Dan bale the alfalfa hay in the bottom.  Ernie's grave sits high up on the hill.  I found peace there today.  I stay busy with work and Lorena and Ida, which are nice distractions from the pain of our loss.  The grief eventually catches up to you if you don't acknowledge it.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't been to the grave since we buried him 3 months ago.  It's just too hard for me to go there, but I'm realizing that I need to let myself "go there" emotionally and physically. 


Dan's been handling life and what's been thrown at him pretty well the past 3 months, but this alfalfa situation has been causing him some anxiety!  It's been a cool and wet spring.  It rains every other day, the forecast is constantly changing, and the windows to cut, rake, and bale the alfalfa are pretty small. 


Today he was determined to get his Dad's hay raked and baled.  Dan's mom Cindy, the girls, and I brought him lunch and checked on his progress.  Even though rain clouds were moving our way, he was baling when we got there early this afternoon.


Dan has put a lot of pressure on himself to do well this year.  He wants his dad to be proud of him.  I know Ernie would fine peace in seeing his son finish baling the first crop of alfalfa for the year.  Hopefully Dan finds peace when the last hay bale is placed in the shed before the rain comes tonight.


~Lydia~

Why I'm thankful this Mother's Day

I had a non-traditional Mother's Day yesterday.  Dan and the girls dropped me off at the airport in Lincoln to catch an airplane to Minneapolis.  I'm in Minnesota until Friday afternoon for new employee training.  The hotel is gorgeous and directly connected with a walkway to the Thrivent Financial Building.  It's been a good experience so far.


So I spent mother's day away from the girls...and I'm ok with it.  I enjoy having a career.  I enjoy being a Mom to my girls.  I did hate it as they drove away and left me standing on the curb yesterday at the airport, but I knew they were in good hands.  Dan sent me a wonderful picture of the girls last night.  They were happily riding in the Scout looking for cows.

I'm very thankful for my husband this Mother's Day.  Without his support, I wouldn't be sitting here in Minneapolis tonight.  The first 7 years of our marriage were spent on sustaining and building our farm.  I've always worked full time off the farm but needed a change of pace.  While I continue to be passionate about our farm, it's been really exciting to pursue a new career in the middle of all the craziness.  It's reassuring and comforting to have a husband like Dan.  We've had bumps along the way, but we are still here supporting each other.  He has always believed in me and my potential, and encourages me to pursue my dreams.  I'm very thankful Lorena and Ida have a dad like Dan this Mother's Day. ~ Lydia

Celebrating 23 Months

 

Miss Ida Mae turned 23 months old this week. She has been huge blessing and a ray of sunshine in our lives these past few months.

Ida is learning to talk. Some of her favorite words are Daddy, Mommy, No, and Baby. She will put several words together to form phrases like "Stop It," and "More milk please." She really likes kittens and puppies, especially her dog Jasper. She loves her baby dolls. She enjoys giving them bottles, covering them up with blankets to sleep, and most of all hitting her big sister with her American Girl Bitty Baby.

Ida has a good sense of humor. If she knows I'm trying to keep her awake, she likes to pretend she is asleep. If she knows she is in trouble, you have to chase her in circles as she laughs hysterically trying to get away from you. When Lorena tells her to "stop screaming," Ida screams and giggles as loud as possible. She loves to hide in the bedroom closet or under the bed.  Ida also seeks adventure. She's always ready to climb the highest fence. She likes to go fast in her pedal car and has learned to ride her big sister's tricycle.

Ida has had continuous ear infections this spring so we are headed to an ENT to consider tubes again. Also, her doctor heard a slight heart murmur at her last checkup so we are going to a pediatric cardiologist next month to get a second opinion. Nothing to worry about, just good to get an expert opinion. That girl likes to keep us on our toes.

In just one short month we will celebrate her 2nd birthday. After she turns 2, I probably shouldn't be reporting her age in months anymore, so I'm milking this 23rd month of her life for all it's worth.

~Lydia~

Taking Risks

Like all of us, my father in law Ernie had many sides to his personality.  I've heard many memorable stories shared about him since his death two months ago.  He was a risk taker.  One of my favorite stories of him is from when he was a young man.  Ernie had a 1966 Pontiac Le Mans.  The cops tried to pull him over on a dirt road one night but he managed to outrun them in that car.  By flipping a special switch on his dashboard, the taillights would go dark on the back of the car.  He could leave the cops in the dust since they couldn't track his taillights.  Ernie also had a cautious side.  He wasn't the most comfortable person in social situations.  You would never seem him at the coffee shop with local farmers, shopping at the grocery store, or out and about at farm auctions very often.  He would rather be outside driving the tractor and keeping to himself.  


It's good to take some risks.  I'm a person that takes risks, but these must be calculated risks.  I don't like heights, driving really fast, or not being near a basement during a thunderstorm.  When it comes to big decisions, I usually have to write lists of pros and cons, talk to dozens of people about the decision, and pray about it.  I'm so glad I took the risk to switch jobs a few months ago and work for Thrivent Financial.  In the midst of mourning Ernie's death, I had to focus on studying for my financial exams.  It was hard but I never doubted my decision.  I've always been a fan of learning and enjoyed college and graduate school, so studying for these exams has been right up my alley. 


Life is so short.  Dan and I feel like Ernie was taken too soon.  But is there ever a time that would have made losing him easier?  He probably took some risks that I wouldn't have (like trying to outrun the police), but he lived a life without regret.  Ernie lived a good life.

Why life seems harder now

I know it's part of the process, but things seem harder now emotionally for some of us.  It's been almost 2 months since Ernie passed away but the wound still feels very fresh.

I think life is harder now because the initial shock has gone away.  We are slowly coming up to breathe.  Now that we are breathing again, we are able to assess the situation that is our new reality.  The realization of our new normal is sometimes too hard to bear.  At times it's easier to not let my mind "go there."  It's much easier to focus on studying for my exams, Lorena and Ida's activities, and complaining about Dan not having my container garden built yet.  But when the girls have fallen asleep and the living room is quiet, my mind goes to a place that is rather painful.

 

I feel bad for our situation and I wish it wasn't our reality.  As Cindy reminded us yesterday, she isn't the first wife to lose her husband.  Our family has had many challenges, but we aren't the first family to experience tragedy.  I know God is with us through the process.  I trust in Him that He knows what He is doing.

                                                  

Mom, you are right

My sisters and I grew up on a grain and livestock farm in west-central Illinois.  My Dad farmed full time and Mom helped where she could with errands and meals, but most of the time Mom took care of the childcare duties.  Farming was fairly flexible during the year so Dad and Mom made it to most of our recitals, basketball games, and school banquets.  But I know Dad spent a lot of time working, especially when we were younger, and Mom picked up the slack on the home front.  I remember sitting our lawn chairs in the driveway during the evenings in the fall, waiting for the combine lights to come down the road.  Mom spent lots of evenings with us kids, waiting for Dad to get home from the field. 


I often struggle with being a Farm wife.  I feel like my Mom, as well as the women in Dan's family, make it look easy.  I still get upset when he works late sometimes.  I understand that it's a necessity during certain times of the year, but it's still hard on me nonetheless.  It's been difficult for me not having Ernie (my father-in-law) here.  I am by myself more at night and on the weekends, taking care of the kids after working during the day.  I have to give them baths by myself, do all the laundry, all of the cleaning and cooking, and other household things that need to be done.  It's hard on me, and I've been wallowing in the fact that it's harder on ME now.


My Mom listened to me today on the phone as I was complaining to her and said "I'm just not going to ask Dan to do anything else anymore!"  Then Mom said in her kind voice, "Lydia, you have to remember what Dan went through.  He's been through a lot and you need to think about him."


Mom you are right, I've been thinking about me a lot recently and not so much about Dan.  He's been through a traumatic situation, and is coping with it by working more hours, and keeping very busy on the farm.  He does help with some things around the house but I fail to notice these things because I'm usually mad at him when he gets home from working!  He appears ok on the outside but I know deep down he is still hurting.  Thanks Mom for reminding me to put others first, like you have done your whole life.  ~ Lydia