Two weeks before Cindy passed away, she had an episode that scared all of us. That Saturday we thought we were going to lose her. We all met at the hospital where she was staying and sat with her a few hours. She came out of her episode and in typical Cindy fashion, she was full of advice for us.
Looking back, it's rather funny, but at the time it was pretty hard for me to hear what she had to say. Most of us got good reviews, except for me. Dan's sister Kate had wonderful leadership and management skills, while Jeremy (Kate's husband) has been a good husband to Kate and a really hard worker. Dan's other sister Laura had great organizational skills and was a wonderful mom to Kaleb, and her husband Kevin had grown so much in his faith (even though he still probably drank too much beer for Cindy's liking). Dan had stepped up to the plate and grown so much this past year after Ernie passed away. Cindy praised his success in taking on more responsibility on the farm, while still being a good dad to our girls. And then she got to me. Cindy explained that I reminded her of herself when she was younger. Cindy told me that I worked too much and put too much emphasis on my job. She reminded me that kids grow up fast, and my number one goal should be raising them. Then she said I needed to get over my guilt complex. I have a tendency to feel guilty for things that I have no control over. Ouch. I pretty much shook my head up and down until she was done, and then had to leave the room to shed a few tears and say a few cuss words.
After a few days of thought and Dan having a conversation with her, I know what she was really trying to say to me. Also with the combination of morphine and muscle relaxers she was taking, she was feeling pretty open about giving her two cents. She worked so much when her kids were little, and she wished she could have been there more for them. She loved me and was so proud of what I do for our family, she just wanted to remind me of what's really important in life. Cindy and I are more alike then I like to admit sometimes and I'm really missing her right now.
I know she was probably right. As I sat watching a movie with Dan and the girls last night (it's the first quiet night we've had in a long time), I started feeling guilty. Lorena randomly started talking about Grandma Cindy and I immediately felt bad that I didn't take the girls to see her more toward the end. I'm just sad that they won't get to know her. I also know that I need to be more intentional with my time with the girls. I love my job but when I'm home I need to put my work away, stay off facebook, and focus on them. Harvest is almost over and while I'm looking forward to more down time, I'm afraid the quietness of the days will bring more emotions flooding over our family.
