Quiet days bring a flood of emotions...

Two weeks before Cindy passed away, she had an episode that scared all of us.  That Saturday we thought we were going to lose her.  We all met at the hospital where she was staying and sat with her a few hours.  She came out of her episode and in typical Cindy fashion, she was full of advice for us.

Looking back, it's rather funny, but at the time it was pretty hard for me to hear what she had to say.  Most of us got good reviews, except for me.  Dan's sister Kate had wonderful leadership and management skills, while Jeremy (Kate's husband) has been a good husband to Kate and a really hard worker.  Dan's other sister Laura had great organizational skills and was a wonderful mom to Kaleb, and her husband Kevin had grown so much in his faith (even though he still probably drank too much beer for Cindy's liking).  Dan had stepped up to the plate and grown so much this past year after Ernie passed away.  Cindy praised his success in taking on more responsibility on the farm, while still being a good dad to our girls.  And then she got to me.  Cindy explained that I reminded her of herself when she was younger.  Cindy told me that I worked too much and put too much emphasis on my job.  She reminded me that kids grow up fast, and my number one goal should be raising them.  Then she said I needed to get over my guilt complex.  I have a tendency to feel guilty for things that I have no control over. Ouch.  I pretty much shook my head up and down until she was done, and then had to leave the room to shed a few tears and say a few cuss words.

After a few days of thought and Dan having a conversation with her, I know what she was really trying to say to me.  Also with the combination of morphine and muscle relaxers she was taking, she was feeling pretty open about giving her two cents.  She worked so much when her kids were little, and she wished she could have been there more for them.  She loved me and was so proud of what I do for our family, she just wanted to remind me of what's really important in life.  Cindy and I are more alike then I like to admit sometimes and I'm really missing her right now. 

I know she was probably right.  As I sat watching a movie with Dan and the girls last night (it's the first quiet night we've had in a long time), I started feeling guilty.  Lorena randomly started talking about Grandma Cindy and I immediately felt bad that I didn't take the girls to see her more toward the end.  I'm just sad that they won't get to know her.  I also know that I need to be more intentional with my time with the girls.  I love my job but when I'm home I need to put my work away, stay off facebook, and focus on them.  Harvest is almost over and while I'm looking forward to more down time, I'm afraid the quietness of the days will bring more emotions flooding over our family.

My thoughts today

My mother in law passed away peacefully on Friday morning.  She went to heaven and was joyfully reunited with her beloved husband Ernie of 40 years.  We are happy this she is no longer struggling here on Earth.  She fought the good fight for over 10 years, outliving her diagnosis by 8 years. 

I had somewhat distanced myself emotionally from Cindy since Ernie died.  I still visited her occasionally, talked on the phone, and brought the kids over to play at her house when I could.  But it was so hard for me to see her without him.  I knew her heart was broken.  She was such a tough lady but living without him was hard.  They completed each other, enjoyed working together, and loved their grandchildren dearly.  They had very few fights which mainly pertained to Ernie wearing his dirty boots in the house and forgetting to take a shower before he climbed into bed after a long day of work.  I'm so glad they are finally together again.

Cindy was always there to share some of her wisdom with me.  I don't sew, so it was very helpful to have a mother-in-law to patch our clothes and sew buttons for us.  She always was willing to listen if I had a problem, no matter how big or small.  She wore many hats, working at the bakery, managing the farm bookkeeping, and being a good grandma, mom, and friend to lots of people.  Most of all, she had a faith stronger than anyone I know.  She trusted Jesus fully and without reservation.

We have such a big void in our family that can never be filled.  I know time will heal some of our pain.  Lots of tears will be shed but we also rejoice that Cindy is in Heaven, a place that we all want to be someday.  ~ Lydia

http://www.wardfuneralhomekansas.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=3982667&fh_id=10337

Making if through the Ups and Downs

Dan and I were just talking about our wedding last night.  I love this picture from August 2009.  His Mom and Dad often said it was one of the most fun times in their lives.  Cindy was feeling good health-wise.  I remember her telling me that one of the greatest blessings in her life was seeing her son marry the person that God made for him.  Ernie was being as ornery as ever, going shot for shot of whiskey at the bar with some of Dan's groomsmen.  If you knew Ernie, you knew he gave up drinking probably 25 years before our wedding, but he just couldn't let the young guys show him up that night.

It was such a wonderful day.  Our family hadn't had anything bad happen to us yet.  Our nephew Kaden was still here, we hadn't suffered any miscarriages, we hadn't gone through the roller coaster of having a preemie, I hadn't gone through my crazy post-partum depression stage after Ida Mae was born, we hadn't seen our precious premature niece Savannah pass away just a few days after birth, and we hadn't gone through Ernie's farm accident and seeing Cindy's disease progress to what it is today.

But there are good things that have happened since our wedding too.  We've had some nice black calves to sell, good crops, and pretty decent prices most years.  I had a job in crop insurance for 6 years and now have truly found a career in what I'm meant to do.  We are missing some people in this picture too.  Two more beautiful nieces (Abi and Lily), another nephew (Kaleb), and our two blondies (Lorena and Ida Mae) have been born since our wedding day.

We all went to visit Cindy today and we had some good laughs and she shared her normal words of wisdom with us.  She's got a lot of faith, faith I wish I had now.  Life has ups and downs.  Sometimes you have to get through the bad to get to the good.  Every family goes through these things, we've just had our share recently.  I know there are good days ahead though.  Please continuing praying for Cindy's health and strength for our family. ~ Lydia

Falling Forward

I literally fell into a client's house yesterday.  My heel on my high heels got caught in a crack in the threshold of their door frame and I fell into the living room.  I didn't really know the clients so it could have been an interesting first meeting.  But I shook it off, we had a good laugh, and I ended up having a good visit with a really nice family.


This isn't the first mishap I've had in August.  Last week, I was invited to our local Rotary meeting to introduce myself and my new career.  I somehow managed to knock over my full glass of diet mountain dew, drenching the President's binder full of papers.  I definitely broke the ice during that meeting.  I helped clean up the spill as graciously as I could, and went on to learn a lot about a cool organization and how it helps our community.


Probably the worst blunder I've had recently happened a few weeks ago.  I met with an elderly client in Manhattan.  I somehow managed to bump her rock retaining wall as I was backing out of her driveway.  The wall crumbled.  The client was very understanding, and gave me a big hug after I tearfully walked back into her house and told her what I had done.  I know she had seen much worse things in her long life and this was just a small inconvenience for her.


We are humans.  We make mistakes.  It's how we handle ourselves after we make our mistakes.  I'm learning that in a business where you deal with people everyday, you are bound to make mistakes.  I'm a perfectionist so it's taken me a while to understand that it's ok for me to screw up once in a while.  When I feel down and am having a bad day, I know I need to keep trudging ahead.  I can fall forward into the arms of Jesus and know that I don't have to be perfect.  We are all children of God and are wonderfully made!  As long as I keep moving forward, and "fall forward" each day, I know I can handle anything this life throws at me.  ~ Lydia

Don't try doing this alone.

This weekend was the Burger Reunion.  It's held every 3 years and is a special event that lasts 4 days.  Dan's grandma was Elsie Burger Hiesterman.  She had 10 siblings and they all grew up in a farmhouse southwest of Clay Center that is still in the Burger family to this day.  The Burger family likes to have fun and our Lutheran roots run deep.  It's a Burger tradition to hold hands and sing the doxology (Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow) before eating our meals.

It's always comforting to have a Pastor in the family.  Uncle Joel's closing sermon today at our morning memorial breakfast struck a chord with me.  He talked about grief and dealing with loss.  Uncle Joel got this so right today!  Grief is a natural response to death of a loved one.  Everyone grieves differently and grief has a purpose.  He reminded us that through the Body of Christ, we don't have to carry the burden alone.  He is faithful and He loves us through the grief.  Also as Christians, we are to mourn with those that mourn.  Grief is a part of life and it's important and healing to share it with others.   

I've realized that I can't hide from loss.  I would rather commune with others and share in the joys and sorrows in life.  I'm still struggling with everything that's happened this year.  It was very good for me to be reminded today that I don't have to go it alone.  The grief would be suffocating if I tried to handle it by myself.  Thankfully I have faith and a community of believers to help share the load. 

2016: the year the air conditioner died

2016 has been a big year.  We lost Dan's dad in February, an unborn baby from an early miscarriage in June, and just recently our air conditioner in July.


Dan and I bought his parents house in 2009 (the summer we were married).  Before they moved out, the four of us spent a few months living together that summer.  Ernie and Cindy lived upstairs, Dan lived in the basement, and I came to visit most weekends.  We got to spend a lot of time together and learned a lot about each other that summer.  I learned that we ate beef most nights, that Ernie was probably the hardest working man I'd ever met, and that Cindy was the communicator in the family.  I learned that we drive red tractors, keep our fences mended, and don't mow the yard nearly enough.  I also learned that Ernie could fix anything.


One night that summer the four of us were eating dinner and the outside unit started rumbling, hot air blowing freely from the vents inside the house.  Ernie and Dan went outside to check things out.  Ernie stared at it, and used a screw driver to tap on the fan, and it miraculously started working perfectly.  Ernie did this a few times each summer for the remainder of his life.  There wasn't much he couldn't fix.  Even though he had moved on to a different house, he still made time to come check on his old air conditioner.


So when the air conditioner made a knocking noise and smoke started billowing from the outside unit a few weeks ago, tears welled up in my eyes.  I really wish Ernie was here to see it.  He would have probably agreed it was time for a new one (it was 40 years old after all) but I'm sure he would have been proud that he kept it running so long.


It's weird that the stupid air conditioner brought up so many memories for me.  I know it's part of the grief process.  It's the little things that Ernie brought to our family that I miss the most.  I know he's in a better place but I just miss him right now.  ~ Lydia

Not a Rose Garden, but still Pretty Good.

I'm really enjoying my latest adventure which is participating in a Bible Study/Women's Leadership course.  Our lesson today was making decisions.  It really hit home.

Each of us makes hundreds of decisions everyday.  From the clothes we wear, to the food we eat, to the route we take on the way to work.  Life is full of decisions.  I've made some big decisions this past year that have greatly affected my life, family, time, and energy.  This lesson pointed out that we must learn to put God first in making difficult decisions.  We must learn to trust God as we head down His path for us, even years or decades after we make the decision.

The "trusting God down His path for me" has been hard recently.  I was very shaken by the miscarriage a few weeks ago, which eventually brought up some feelings I had tucked away from my father in law's fatal farm accident this spring.  Sometimes I expect that life should be easier.  I think to myself, "I did what God told me to do, so things should be great." No, not so much.  Just because we are doing what God intended for our lives, doesn't necessarily make life like a rose garden.

What is important is how we deal with what comes our way.  I have a good husband, two beautiful blonde haired girls, some cows to call my own, and I'm blessed to be able to build a business with a successful faith based company.  Life really isn't that bad, is it?  How we cope with the tough stuff and rejoice when good things happen in life, is what truly builds our character.  I'm trying to put God first in my decision making and trusting in the path that He leads me, even though it might be a tad bit harder than I thought it would be.

~Lydia~

Being Afraid

Kids have a tendency to be fearless and unafraid.  Lorena, my almost 4 year old, though has started to realize that there are certain things that scare her.  She doesn't like huge crowds and new places until she's warmed up to her surroundings.  She had her first Bitty Ball game last week and she wanted me to help her bat and run the bases (which I did).  After helping her the first time, she was able to do it on her own though and had a great time.  She is also scared of monsters and the big bad wolf.  My two year old Ida is still fearless of almost everything though, which is partly due to her young age.  Two year olds are never afraid.


It's kind of interesting that as adults we get into a habit of not doing things outside of our comfort zone, steering clear of things that make us feel afraid.  I'm currently afraid of a lot of things.  I'm afraid of success at my new job.  If I succeed this year, how will I replicate my success next year?  I'm afraid of failure too though and not meeting the goals I have made for myself.  I'm also afraid of not being a good enough Mom to my girls.  Will I miss out on things in their lives that I will regret in the future?  The list goes on and on.


So how do I get through my fears and get on with life?  I'm learning that I need to be more like Lorena and Ida.  I can be like Ida and be fearless in any situation.  If I do sense some fear, I will be like Lorena and ask for some help and then do what I'm scared to do.  I think it's that simple.  Each time you push through the fear, you gain confidence and it becomes easier to do the next time.  Eventually I won't be scared anymore.


Blessings for a good day, Lydia

Choosing Happiness and Joy

It's been an up and down ride emotionally and physically for me since Tuesday. 

But today was a good day.  Today was a special day.  We celebrated our nephew Kaleb's first birthday.  Technically he's 16 months old but his Mom and Dad wanted to wait to have his big party until cold and flu season ended.  So today was the day!

I've been doing a lot of reflection recently.  I thought about Kevin and Laura as we drove to their house for the party today.  This party is a big deal for them.  They haven't had a first birthday party for a child for over 10 years.  Kaden left us 6 years ago when he was 4, and Savannah left us last year shortly after her birth. 

I'm so proud of Kevin and Laura for staying strong for Kaleb.  Not every day is easy for them either, but they choose happiness and joy today for Kaleb's birthday celebration.  It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself.  I think it's natural for us as humans, as we all are selfish beings.  I'm not trying to downplay my miscarriage and the heartache I continually feel, but I think it's good to not dwell in that dark place.  I've been in that dark place since Tuesday but I wanted today to be good.  Even though part of my heart is still aching, I intentionally chose happiness and joy today.  I don't know what tomorrow will be like for me but I know there are better days ahead. 

~Lydia~

Happy 16 Months Kaleb Ernest!

A day for cupcakes, tears, and hugs...

I found out this morning that I had a miscarriage.  I went in for an ultrasound today and the baby had no heartbeat.  I heard the heartbeat two weeks ago which was very reassuring to hear it so early in the pregnancy, so I had  assumed that everything would be ok at this appointment.  But it wasn't.  The baby had died.


I was about 8 1/2 weeks pregnant this morning and it's weird to think I'm not pregnant anymore.  I'm having a D and C tomorrow to help move the process along.  It's been an emotional ride for a few months with this pregnancy.  We have to go to 2 1/2 hours away to Omaha for fertility treatments to get pregnant.  Things had worked surprisingly well with no complications.  But now I feel like all the fertility treatments, special medicine, painful shots, thousands of miles on the Yukon, time away from family and work, have just been a big waste of time and money.


Dan has been comforting.  He always worries about my emotions.  I'm a rather sensitive person and I feel the good things and bad things in life so deeply.  It's just the way God made me.  It sounds kind of romantic to be so sensitive to feelings, but during times like this I wish I could turn that volume down on that part of my personality. 


Lots of thoughts are going through my head today.  Did I drink too much caffeine?  Did I not drink enough water?  Was it the flight I look to Minneapolis a few weeks ago?  Did I work too hard in the garden?  Did I complain too much about being tired this time around?  Am I being punished for some of my sins?  Was I trying to do too much at once with starting a new career?  Was it too soon to try after all our family has been through this year?  I know in reality it's nothing I did but I just feel rather hopeless right now.  I know it will pass and I will find some hope again but today is not the day.  Today I'm going to eat some chocolate cupcakes, cry some tears, and hug Lorena and Ida Mae when they get home from daycare.


~Lydia~

Finding Peace

I took this picture today as we watched Dan bale the alfalfa hay in the bottom.  Ernie's grave sits high up on the hill.  I found peace there today.  I stay busy with work and Lorena and Ida, which are nice distractions from the pain of our loss.  The grief eventually catches up to you if you don't acknowledge it.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't been to the grave since we buried him 3 months ago.  It's just too hard for me to go there, but I'm realizing that I need to let myself "go there" emotionally and physically. 


Dan's been handling life and what's been thrown at him pretty well the past 3 months, but this alfalfa situation has been causing him some anxiety!  It's been a cool and wet spring.  It rains every other day, the forecast is constantly changing, and the windows to cut, rake, and bale the alfalfa are pretty small. 


Today he was determined to get his Dad's hay raked and baled.  Dan's mom Cindy, the girls, and I brought him lunch and checked on his progress.  Even though rain clouds were moving our way, he was baling when we got there early this afternoon.


Dan has put a lot of pressure on himself to do well this year.  He wants his dad to be proud of him.  I know Ernie would fine peace in seeing his son finish baling the first crop of alfalfa for the year.  Hopefully Dan finds peace when the last hay bale is placed in the shed before the rain comes tonight.


~Lydia~

Why I'm thankful this Mother's Day

I had a non-traditional Mother's Day yesterday.  Dan and the girls dropped me off at the airport in Lincoln to catch an airplane to Minneapolis.  I'm in Minnesota until Friday afternoon for new employee training.  The hotel is gorgeous and directly connected with a walkway to the Thrivent Financial Building.  It's been a good experience so far.


So I spent mother's day away from the girls...and I'm ok with it.  I enjoy having a career.  I enjoy being a Mom to my girls.  I did hate it as they drove away and left me standing on the curb yesterday at the airport, but I knew they were in good hands.  Dan sent me a wonderful picture of the girls last night.  They were happily riding in the Scout looking for cows.

I'm very thankful for my husband this Mother's Day.  Without his support, I wouldn't be sitting here in Minneapolis tonight.  The first 7 years of our marriage were spent on sustaining and building our farm.  I've always worked full time off the farm but needed a change of pace.  While I continue to be passionate about our farm, it's been really exciting to pursue a new career in the middle of all the craziness.  It's reassuring and comforting to have a husband like Dan.  We've had bumps along the way, but we are still here supporting each other.  He has always believed in me and my potential, and encourages me to pursue my dreams.  I'm very thankful Lorena and Ida have a dad like Dan this Mother's Day. ~ Lydia

Celebrating 23 Months

 

Miss Ida Mae turned 23 months old this week. She has been huge blessing and a ray of sunshine in our lives these past few months.

Ida is learning to talk. Some of her favorite words are Daddy, Mommy, No, and Baby. She will put several words together to form phrases like "Stop It," and "More milk please." She really likes kittens and puppies, especially her dog Jasper. She loves her baby dolls. She enjoys giving them bottles, covering them up with blankets to sleep, and most of all hitting her big sister with her American Girl Bitty Baby.

Ida has a good sense of humor. If she knows I'm trying to keep her awake, she likes to pretend she is asleep. If she knows she is in trouble, you have to chase her in circles as she laughs hysterically trying to get away from you. When Lorena tells her to "stop screaming," Ida screams and giggles as loud as possible. She loves to hide in the bedroom closet or under the bed.  Ida also seeks adventure. She's always ready to climb the highest fence. She likes to go fast in her pedal car and has learned to ride her big sister's tricycle.

Ida has had continuous ear infections this spring so we are headed to an ENT to consider tubes again. Also, her doctor heard a slight heart murmur at her last checkup so we are going to a pediatric cardiologist next month to get a second opinion. Nothing to worry about, just good to get an expert opinion. That girl likes to keep us on our toes.

In just one short month we will celebrate her 2nd birthday. After she turns 2, I probably shouldn't be reporting her age in months anymore, so I'm milking this 23rd month of her life for all it's worth.

~Lydia~

Taking Risks

Like all of us, my father in law Ernie had many sides to his personality.  I've heard many memorable stories shared about him since his death two months ago.  He was a risk taker.  One of my favorite stories of him is from when he was a young man.  Ernie had a 1966 Pontiac Le Mans.  The cops tried to pull him over on a dirt road one night but he managed to outrun them in that car.  By flipping a special switch on his dashboard, the taillights would go dark on the back of the car.  He could leave the cops in the dust since they couldn't track his taillights.  Ernie also had a cautious side.  He wasn't the most comfortable person in social situations.  You would never seem him at the coffee shop with local farmers, shopping at the grocery store, or out and about at farm auctions very often.  He would rather be outside driving the tractor and keeping to himself.  


It's good to take some risks.  I'm a person that takes risks, but these must be calculated risks.  I don't like heights, driving really fast, or not being near a basement during a thunderstorm.  When it comes to big decisions, I usually have to write lists of pros and cons, talk to dozens of people about the decision, and pray about it.  I'm so glad I took the risk to switch jobs a few months ago and work for Thrivent Financial.  In the midst of mourning Ernie's death, I had to focus on studying for my financial exams.  It was hard but I never doubted my decision.  I've always been a fan of learning and enjoyed college and graduate school, so studying for these exams has been right up my alley. 


Life is so short.  Dan and I feel like Ernie was taken too soon.  But is there ever a time that would have made losing him easier?  He probably took some risks that I wouldn't have (like trying to outrun the police), but he lived a life without regret.  Ernie lived a good life.

Why life seems harder now

I know it's part of the process, but things seem harder now emotionally for some of us.  It's been almost 2 months since Ernie passed away but the wound still feels very fresh.

I think life is harder now because the initial shock has gone away.  We are slowly coming up to breathe.  Now that we are breathing again, we are able to assess the situation that is our new reality.  The realization of our new normal is sometimes too hard to bear.  At times it's easier to not let my mind "go there."  It's much easier to focus on studying for my exams, Lorena and Ida's activities, and complaining about Dan not having my container garden built yet.  But when the girls have fallen asleep and the living room is quiet, my mind goes to a place that is rather painful.

 

I feel bad for our situation and I wish it wasn't our reality.  As Cindy reminded us yesterday, she isn't the first wife to lose her husband.  Our family has had many challenges, but we aren't the first family to experience tragedy.  I know God is with us through the process.  I trust in Him that He knows what He is doing.

                                                  

Mom, you are right

My sisters and I grew up on a grain and livestock farm in west-central Illinois.  My Dad farmed full time and Mom helped where she could with errands and meals, but most of the time Mom took care of the childcare duties.  Farming was fairly flexible during the year so Dad and Mom made it to most of our recitals, basketball games, and school banquets.  But I know Dad spent a lot of time working, especially when we were younger, and Mom picked up the slack on the home front.  I remember sitting our lawn chairs in the driveway during the evenings in the fall, waiting for the combine lights to come down the road.  Mom spent lots of evenings with us kids, waiting for Dad to get home from the field. 


I often struggle with being a Farm wife.  I feel like my Mom, as well as the women in Dan's family, make it look easy.  I still get upset when he works late sometimes.  I understand that it's a necessity during certain times of the year, but it's still hard on me nonetheless.  It's been difficult for me not having Ernie (my father-in-law) here.  I am by myself more at night and on the weekends, taking care of the kids after working during the day.  I have to give them baths by myself, do all the laundry, all of the cleaning and cooking, and other household things that need to be done.  It's hard on me, and I've been wallowing in the fact that it's harder on ME now.


My Mom listened to me today on the phone as I was complaining to her and said "I'm just not going to ask Dan to do anything else anymore!"  Then Mom said in her kind voice, "Lydia, you have to remember what Dan went through.  He's been through a lot and you need to think about him."


Mom you are right, I've been thinking about me a lot recently and not so much about Dan.  He's been through a traumatic situation, and is coping with it by working more hours, and keeping very busy on the farm.  He does help with some things around the house but I fail to notice these things because I'm usually mad at him when he gets home from working!  He appears ok on the outside but I know deep down he is still hurting.  Thanks Mom for reminding me to put others first, like you have done your whole life.  ~ Lydia

Since many of you have asked...

I passed my Series 7 Exam on Friday! 

I started studying at the end of January for the exam.  Usually it takes about a month to study for it.  I had to move back my exam date after Ernie's accident and ended up taking a 2 week break from studying.  It was hard for me to get back into the routine of studying.  I would much rather do repetitive tasks like cooking, cleaning, or organizing the closet.  I think that's why Dan's favorite thing to do now is to go drive the tractor or feed his Dad's cows.  It seems like the menial (but still important) chores are just easier to get done.  Dan has been commenting a lot recently that the house has never been this clean.

After passing the exam Friday, it was nice to take a few days off for the Easter weekend.  We made it through Easter.  It was different without Ernie as expected.  The girls ate way too much candy.  They have been bouncing off the walls for a few days.  I hid it last night after they went to bed, so hopefully they will forget about candy for a while.

I'm very thankful for all of our friends and family.  I'm also very thankful for my new career.  After passing the 7, I now begin studying for the Series 66 Exam and will test in late April.  I'm two-thirds through the process of licensing to become a Registered Representative with Thrivent Financial.  Thanks for the continued support and prayers. ~ Lydia

How are you "really" doing?

I've been asked the question "How are you doing?" a lot this week.  Most of the time people use this phrase as a greeting, perhaps in replace of the word "Hi", and most of the time want a response of "Great!, or "Doing just fine!."  Since Ernie's death though, a lot of people are wondering about our family and asking me "How are you really doing?," I can hear it in their voices that they really want to know how we are all doing.  It's comforting to know that people still care about our family.  In summary, we are doing ok but here on some details:

1.  Dan is trying to fill his dad's shoes in every way possible, but is realizing that he must delegate responsibility and work with his uncles and cousins to get the farm work done.
2.  I need to practice patience with my husband and kids.
2.  Lorena periodically talks about Grandpa Ernie being in heaven with Jesus and that his body is up on the big hill at the farm.
3.  Ida is oblivious to it all but ornery as ever!
4.  We are trying to establish a new normal.
5.  I have a new job!  I'm working with Thrivent Financial in the trainee program.  After I get the required licenses, I will be a Financial Representative with Thrivent.
6.  I'm taking the Series 7 Exam General Securities Exam on Friday.  Prayers are appreciated for an awesome test score.
7.  Dan's trucks have all practically died.  He and his dad both have an obsession with keeping lots of trucks scattered around and never selling anything that still runs.  3 of Dan's trucks have issues now, as well as do 2 of Ernie's trucks, so he's down to Ernie's little black S10 with 250,000+ miles.  The transmission has been going out of it for years but it's currently the only thing that Dan wants to drive.
8.   I just watched my first episode of "I am Cait."  It's nice to get lost in reality television.  If you know this show and what it's about, please don't judge me.
9.  I don't feel ready for Easter.
10.  Some days I still can't believe Ernie is gone.

I have been holding some feelings in for a while, and that's not good for me.  I have to talk about what's going on and part of my therapy (besides buying way too many Easter dresses for the girls) is blogging.  That's all for now!  ~ Lydia

3.5 Amazing Years in the Life of Lorena Ruth

Tonight we are going to our first live show at a theater.  Peppa Pig is Lorena's favorite tv show and it seems fitting to see "Peppa Pig's Big Splash" when it came to Central Kansas.  Peppa Pig is an animated British tv show for preschoolers, with the main characters being Peppa and her Mummy, Daddy, and brother George.  It's a big surprise for Lorena.  We think she's going to freak out when she sees the show!  My mom and dad bought the tickets for us 6 months ago so we've really been looking forward to it.

Besides Peppa Pig, Lorena loves TV in general.  She's a lot like Dan in that way.  Once I turn the TV off to get her attention, it still takes her 5 seconds to figure out the TV is off because she gets so focused on what she's watching.  She also loves to play outside and ride her tricycle.  She enjoys coloring and wearing fake tattoos.  She's a big fan of chocolate, peanut butter sandwiches, and green beans right now.  She loves Sunday School and can't wait to go to pre-school and have her own backpack.  In true Lorena style, she's off the charts for weight (50 pounds) and height (almost 3 1/2 feet tall) for her age.  She didn't stay small for long.  

Lorena's come so far in her short years on earth.  We had no idea what the future held for our baby girl when she was born 12 weeks premature at 2 1/2 pounds.  Would she survive?  Would she have lifelong disabilities?  Would she be able to come home?  She turned out like God intended her to be. God doesn't make mistakes.  Lorena is now a rambunctious 3 1/2 year old.  She's super sweet, pretty emotional at times, and has a big heart already.  The world's a brighter place with Lorena Ruth in it.

Lorena at 1 day old

Lorena at 3 months old

Lorena at 3 1/2 years old

Ernie's Last Fence

I had a good laugh with Dan recently about all of the equipment his dad had been buying the past few years. Farming was getting so fun for Ernie.  He had upgraded tractors, bought a little bull dozer, and purchased an excavator this past summer.  Nothing extravagant (remember, the Hiestermans are good conservative Lutherans!) but just some reasonably priced used equipment to get the job done.  That excavator had been a such a joy for Dan and Ernie this past winter. The weather had been unseasonably warm and the guys had been working on dirt work and fence projects the entire winter.

It was sunny and 75 yesterday and I missed Ernie.  I wished he was here helping Dan, Phil, John, Luke, and Jason with more projects.  I know he's in a better place but I just wish he was still here with us.  Dan tells me that Ernie made farming fun and that things are different now.  I know that someday the guys will have fun farming again but for now we all still grieve.

I shed some tears yesterday on my walk down the dirt road that heads west of our house.  Ernie's excavator sits parked like a statue in the pasture next to the new fence the guys built this winter.  I'm sure the guys will start another project at some point but for now they are busying themselves with mundane chores. 

I enjoy seeing Ernie everywhere on the farm.  He is still with us in spirit. From the new baby calves born everyday, to hearing him in Dan's voice and seeing him in his brothers' mannerisms, and finally in treasuring his handiwork in the last fence he built.

Ernie's last fence project west of our house

Ernie's Truck

It's been hard to know what to say to the girls about Ernie's death.  They loved their grandpa Ernie but they are still very young.  I've been conflicted on whether or not to talk about him.  As each day passes, I worry that the girls will forget about him.  But I also don't want to bring up his name because I don't want the girls to cry and say they want to see Grandpa Ernie.  Ida still doesn't talk much but she can recognize his picture.  Lorena can talk about him and does ask a few questions.

So after some thinking, I've decided that I don't want the girls to forget him.  I'm going to talk about him everyday.  Today when I put the girls in their car seats I reminded them that Grandpa went to Heaven and is with Savannah and Kaden.  Lorena shook her head up and down and said "Yep."  Ernie's pickup truck is still parked in our machine shed.  As we drove by his truck this morning Lorena said, "Grandpa doesn't need his truck anymore."  I smiled and said "Yep that's right Lorena."

My dream for the girls is to never have any heartache or pain, but I've come to realize that this isn't reality.  The night of the accident I remember Cindy saying that "Life is hard, and that it gets harder as you get older."  It took me a while to comprehend that but I think she's right. Yes, I'm agreeing with my mother in law on something.

Life is hard here on Earth.  There's pain, sickness, sorrow, jealousy, evil, and sin that surround us everyday of the week.  I'm almost 32 and have been a Christian my whole life but I'm finally starting to think about why we are really here on Earth.  The goal is to get to Heaven.  A place with no suffering!  It sure would be sad if all we had was this earthly life.  There MUST be something more than this!  Thankfully as Christians, it's very reassuring to know that there is something more.  And Lorena's right, Ernie doesn't need his dirty old truck anymore.

Blessings ~ Lydia

Our New Normal

It's been one week since my father in law passed away in a farming accident.  This past week has been pretty blurry for most of us.  It's easy to forget what day it is because the days seem to blend together.

Ernie farmed and ranched with two of his brothers, his son, nephew, and close cousin.  The day to day operation of the farm will continue but Ernie's passing has changed life for all of them.  The huge hole that we are left won't ever be completely filled.  The guys are doing what needs to be done and taking it one day at a time.  

Ernie also helped so many people other people.  He had a huge impact on his two son-in-laws, his nephews, brother-in-laws, and countless others.  He helped those he loved by cutting firewood, fixing machinery, moving cattle, building machine sheds, and pretty much anything that needed done.  As his daughter Kate has said many times, Ernie had the spiritual gift of giving.

Yesterday was a hard day for some of us.  It was the first day of our "new normal."  The guys have shifted chores around and are taking care of Ernie's cattle herd south of Barnes.  Ernie's cows have had a good year so far, two sets of twins!  We upgraded sprayers a few years ago and Ernie was our sprayer operator.  He practically lived in the sprayer and loved that responsibility, and was actually the only one of the guys that knew how to run it.  Our local CASH IH dealer came out yesterday and showed Dan and Jason some of the basics.  Dan said it would have been fun to learn how to run the sprayer if Dad was going to be gone on vacation for a few weeks, but unfortunately that's not the case.  Like I said before, we are taking it one day at a time.  

The family has been overwhelmed by support from our community.  There are too many people to thank for their generosity and kindness during this difficult time. ~ Lydia

  

Ernie's Red Shed

Ernie never talked to me much at first when I came into the picture 10 years ago.  I'm guessing he couldn't figure out why I would want to date his son.  Dan's rebellious streak (which he inherited from his dad ironically) lasted quite a long time and I think Ernie wanted more for Dan.  Dan and Ernie got to a wonderful place in their relationship the past few years.  They were friends, partners in the farming operation, devoted to their cattle, and both lived for tinkering on a shop project. Dan is a lot like his dad.  Like Dan, Ernie could be a man of few words.  When he built the new shed behind our house 4 years ago, he surprised me and made it red.  He knew that was my favorite color. That's how Ernie showed his love to people.  Not with words, but actions.  I know it seems silly, but that meant the world to me.

Opa Ernie

The world just lost a giant of a man.  A one of a kind husband, dad, grandpa, uncle, and friend.  He had three loves in this world...Jesus, his family (and soul mate Cindy), and farming.  Ernie Hiesterman left this world to meet Jesus last night.  Savannah and Kaden met him at the gates and they are together at last. Grandpa Ernie is wrestling with his two grand kids in heaven and is no longer suffering.  I have no words.  I know Ernie is in heaven.  Do we need to know anything else?  Our family appreciates the outpouring of love we have received from friends and the community.  Please keep us in your prayers. ~ Lydia

With his Ida Mae who will grow up and be just as ornery as her Opa Ernie

Bittersweet Days of February

It's been a year since our sweet niece Savannah Jean passed away.  I can't believe it's been that long.  She left all of us that day and got to meet our heavenly Father.  What a joyous occasion for her!  For us here back on Earth, it was a horrible day.  I will always remember that phone call in the middle of the night which told us of her passing.

Our family said lots of prayer a year ago.  We prayed for strength for Kevin and Laura.  We prayed for the doctors and nurses taking care of Kaleb.  Our biggest prayer was for God to keep Kaleb alive and here on Earth with us.  It was very selfish for all of us, but I just didn't know how we could all go on if God took Kaleb away from us too.  Kaleb persevered.  He got out of the NICU in May but returned to the hospital for a while in June, but got to spend the rest of the summer at home.  He has grown so big and strong.  He is doing amazing.  He is crawling, trying to pull up on the couch, and even got to try ice cream on his 1st birthday a few days ago.

Kaleb and Savannah were born almost 14 weeks premature.  Our family has dealt with prematurity and NICU stays in the past, but Kaleb and Savannahs's situation was much different.  Savannah's passing shook all of us to the core.  We are all so thankful for Kaleb and the prayers that everyone said for our family this past year.

I still have a hard time thinking about Kaleb without thinking about Savannah.  I know what it's like to be a twin.  Your soul mate, best friend, and constant companion is always there by your side.  I'm sad that Kaleb can't experience what I have with my twin sister Maria.  I'm sad that I couldn't give them the twin outfits I bought for them.  I'm sad that Laura and Kevin don't have Kaden, Savannah, and Kaleb all together under one roof.  I can definitely say I'm doing better than I was at this point last year, but their first birthday on Feb 5 brought some bittersweet thoughts I wanted to share.

Blessings ~ Lydia

Kaleb and angel Savannah Feb 2015

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Kaleb January 2016

How a snow day can steal your Joy

Yesterday we woke up to 8 inches of fresh white snow.  It was a beautiful sight to see.  The kids were very excited to look outside as this was our first big snow of the year.

I started my day by selfishly thinking, "I must get pictures of the kids playing in the snow so I can post them on Facebook."  Say what?  I was all consumed with how I would get pictures of them most of the day. When my husband came in for lunch, I came out of my office and asked him how we would accomplish this feat.  He would rather have eaten his sandwich in peace then listen to me ramble about how we would create the perfect sledding experience for our kids that day.  We had a few small problems though:

1.  No snow gear
2.  No sleds
3.  No kids - daycare was still open
4.  No parents - Dan was busy moving snow, checking cows, and working in his machine shop and I was working on my computer
5.  No daylight - we usually get home with the kids about 6 PM, right when it gets dark here

So I was stuck, how could I get the perfect sledding picture of the girls?  Don't get me wrong, I love seeing all the fun snow pictures with all of the kids!  I just realized my motivation for taking the girls sledding was to get good pictures to post on social media.  My motivation should be to have fun with the girls and not try to create the "perfect picture" of what life is like for us.

I think a lot of us fall into the trap of creating perfect experiences for our kids.  My obsession with taking the perfect picture yesterday stole some of my joy.  Would I be a bad mom if I didn't get pictures of them making snow angels?  Would the girls feel left out if I didn't take them sledding?  Ida (20 months) and Lorena (3 1/2 years) could care less if we went sledding down the biggest hill in the county.  They had just as much kicking the snow, chasing their dog Jasper, and throwing snowballs at their Daddy in the moonlight when they got home from daycare.

I want to do what is best for Lorena and Ida.  Yes, I will probably go buy some sleds today and round up some snow pants.  We do have big plans to go sledding at the farm South of Barnes, KS this weekend.  I will probably take tons of pictures too.  But this time, I will make sure we go sledding so we can have fun as a family, not so Mommy can get good Facebook pictures.

On another note, I did get a good picture of our cows after I dropped the kids off at daycare.  It truly was a beautiful day.  Blessings ~ Lydia

 

"I want to be Like Mommy when I grow up"

This morning was similar to most mornings around our house.  It was a kind of hurry, let's get the kids dressed, and out the door to daycare kind of day.  Lorena has developed into quite a little diva.  In the NICU, they had nicknamed her "little diva" and she is living up to her name.


Her hair is always a terrible mess in the morning.  She has fine hair like I do and it tends to get super tangled when she sleeps.  She cried the whole time Dan brushed her hair.  Then I put it in a pony tail which was ok for a while, but then I had the wrong barrette, which happened to be placed on the wrong side of her head.  Tears ensued.  Dan planned on stopping to get a donut at the convenience store in town on the way to daycare and proceeded to tell Lorena she could have a donut.  She started crying because she wanted M&Ms, not donuts.  I explained that you can like donuts and M&Ms in life, you don't necessarily have to choose one or the other.  Then as I'm putting her in Dan's truck, she shrugs her shoulders and starts crying again.  "There isn't any snow!." "All the snow is gone."  "But snow is my favorite."  I told her that maybe we could get snow this weekend and that seemed to calm her down.


Lorena also said something that made my heart smile today.  When I was helping her put on her favorite coat she was crying again because "she wanted a coat like Mommy's coat so she could be like Mommy when she grows up."


Lorena is a very strong and sensitive little girl.  This is the first winter we haven't had to deal with asthma related issues and chronic coughs due to her prematurity.  She just might be growing up. 

January again?

Yay for a New Year!  I'm looking forward to 2016...I think it will be an exciting year.  I don't like the blahs of January and February though.  These dreary months of Winter always brings back a sad mixture of emotions for our family.  I will always treasure this picture from our wedding in 2009.  In hind sight, life was pretty easy back then and Dan and I hadn't really been through much at all.

Our family has grown so much since our wedding but we have experienced loss too.  Kate and Jeremy have had two more girls (Abi and Lily), Kevin and Laura have a miracle little boy Kaleb but heaven gained Kaden in January of 2010 and precious baby Savannah in February of 2015.  Dan and I have had two little girls since then too.  Our family has so much to be grateful for.  It's not that I'm trying to bring myself down, it's just hard not to think about Kaden and Savannah this time of year.  

Dan called me a few minutes ago.  He was driving the excavator across the field which is a rather monotonous task and was bored, so I guess his best option was to call his wife and chat.  We were talking about this year and what it would bring.  He made the comment, "I guess God knows what he is doing and prepares us along the way for what's to come"  It's reassuring to have a God fearing husband with good insight!  It's hard after some of the things our family has been through, to see why God does what he does.  It is painful, lots of tears have been shed, lots of why us?  And after dealing with my gluten/dairy issue and feeling sick for so long, I honestly feel a bit sorry for myself a few days and wonder "why me?"  (I know I will get better over time, it's just human nature to want immediate results)  

I guess it's ok to wonder why.  But it's also important to remember that everything in life that happens to us (good and bad) is preparing us for the future.  God doesn't make mistakes.  

Just some deep thoughts on this dreary January morning. ~ Lydia